In the piece below, “Peanut Butter and Jelly,” author Lila Brooks reflects on the dual roles of being a mother and a partner—how she once felt like the peanut butter to her husband’s jelly—and the shift that occurs when that dynamic is disrupted.
“Peanut Butter and Jelly” by Lila Brooks
In my experience, motherhood and fatherhood are intertwined, much like peanut butter and jelly. Growing up in a household with married parents, surrounded by aunts and uncles in stable relationships, marriage felt like the only normalcy I knew. My life unfolded in the way I envisioned it.
I fell head over heels for my high school sweetheart, Jake. We were a perfect match—like peanut butter and jelly. We dated, went to college together, tied the knot, bought a cozy home, and decided it was time to start a family. When our son was born, I felt like everything was falling into place. Then, in a heartbeat, everything changed.
In 2008, the moment we discovered I was pregnant with a baby boy, a whirlwind of emotions engulfed us. We were overjoyed, but there was a cloud of unspoken fears hanging in the air. I had always hoped for a son, secretly relieved that I wouldn’t have to manage a little princess with all her frills. I was a tomboy at heart, and the thought of nurturing a boy filled me with excitement. Jake, too, admitted later that he had been wishing for a son. However, the reality of our situation weighed heavily on us. As an African American couple, the thought of bringing a black boy into this world felt monumental.
I can still picture that moment in September 2008; the memory is etched in my mind. Our eyes met over the perinatologist’s shoulder, and I could see every emotion I felt mirrored in Jake’s gaze. For a few weeks, we tucked those fears away, focusing instead on the joy of baby showers and picking out names.
One night, as Jake gently rubbed my growing belly, tears filled his eyes. He spoke of the heavy responsibility that lay ahead of us. Bringing a child into the world is a beautiful journey, but it’s also daunting—especially when raising an African American boy comes with its own set of challenges. Despite the progress made in race relations, the shadows of racism still loom large. I found comfort in knowing that Jake would be there to guide our son into manhood.
Our joy, Noah, arrived on January 13, 2009, inheriting his father’s looks and charm. For the next three and a half years, parenting was a remarkable adventure. We cherished every milestone, enjoying our unique approaches to parenting that complemented each other beautifully—just like peanut butter and jelly.
Then, on June 9, 2012, my world crumbled. My husband passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack. Suddenly, I was a widow at thirty-five, left to parent alone. As a single mother to a little black boy with special needs, I faced each day grappling with my grief while striving to be present for Noah. I’m his mother, and it’s my job to equip him with the love and tools he needs to thrive.
Motherhood means pouring every bit of love I have into Noah while surrounding him with strong male role models—uncles, cousins, and friends—so he can understand the man his father was and the man we hope he’ll become. Even without a partner to share this journey, I have embraced my role as a mother. It’s my calling, and I’ll rise to the occasion.
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Summary
Lila Brooks shares her heartfelt journey of motherhood and loss in “Peanut Butter and Jelly.” She reflects on the joys and challenges of parenting, especially as a single mother to a special needs child after the unexpected death of her husband. Through her narrative, she emphasizes the importance of love, community, and resilience in the face of life’s unpredictability.