1. Only big kids have accidents.
Let’s be real: you’ve had a few slip-ups yourself—like that time you were pregnant, or during that marathon with the infamous runner’s trots, and definitely on Taco Tuesday when you decided moderation was for amateurs.
2. We’re leaving right now!
Sure, if by “right now” you mean the next 20 minutes of prying tiny fingers off the monkey bars while they throw a fit.
3. You can stay here, but I’m going home.
We all know you’re not leaving without your little one. But hey, sometimes you just crave a night of cookie dough ice cream and binge-watching reality TV, so a little reverse psychology never hurts.
4. Finish your broccoli, and then dessert is all yours.
Actually, that rule is more of a guideline, like how you sometimes sneak dessert before dinner.
5. We’re out of chocolate treats.
They’re stashed in the back of the pantry where only you know to look. The moment the kiddo is asleep, it’s game on.
6. No name-calling!
Except for that jerk at the coffee shop who didn’t hold the door open for you. Some people deserve a little sass.
7. If you don’t brush your teeth, they’ll fall out!
But let’s be honest, those baby teeth are on a timer anyway.
8. Mama has a boo-boo.
Also known as “Mama needs a nap.”
9. Daddy misses you!
Truth is, Mama could really use some alone time.
10. Mama needs a break.
Or maybe a little wine. Or both.
11. It’s broken.
Well, you just removed the batteries because you couldn’t handle any more of that talking toy.
12. It’s a popped balloon!
Spoiler alert: It’s actually a condom. And no, we’re not elaborating on how it got there.
13. It’s yucky!
Oh please, it’s Starbucks—a glorious cup of happiness in a cardboard sleeve.
14. It’s a milkshake!
Nope, just a spinach smoothie, but let’s keep that between us.
15. It’s candy!
Actually, it’s just Tylenol disguised as a sweet treat.
16. It’s lemonade!
Nope, it’s a laxative. Surprise!
17. It’s just a little scratch!
More like a mini blood fountain, but let’s keep the drama to a minimum.
18. It’s a magic potion!
It’s rubbing alcohol, and yes, it’s going to sting.
19. Just a tiny bug!
Um, no. That’s a cockroach, and it’s time to evacuate the premises.
20. Dora isn’t on right now.
Because you’re avoiding Nick Jr. for your sanity. You can only take so much of that animated chaos before your brain starts to melt.
21. Mama doesn’t know where The Very Hungry Caterpillar is.
Spoiler: It’s on top of the fridge, but you really don’t want to read it one more time.
22. You are driving me crazy!
Spoiler alert: you boarded Crazytown the moment you became a parent.
23. If you don’t stop (insert annoying behavior here) by the count of three…
Let’s be real, you never finish that sentence.
24. That’s it, I’m done!
But you’re never really done. Once you bring that little bundle of chaos into the world, you’re in it for the long haul, even when they’re adults.
While honesty might be the best approach, let’s face it—sometimes it’s just not feasible if you want to survive the toddler years. For more insights on family planning and parenting, check out this helpful resource. And if you’re interested in home insemination, this guide will shed some light on the topic. You can also learn more about navigating fertility journeys at Make a Mom.
In summary, parenting often involves a little creative storytelling to make life with toddlers just a bit more manageable. From sneaking treats to avoiding tantrums, we all have our little tricks up our sleeves.