Let me tell you, folks, this is one hell of a ride. I mean seriously, I’m still pregnant. Every morning, I wake up and think, “Today is the day!” But by evening, I find myself doing laundry yet again, soaked in my own pee—yep, no amniotic fluid in sight. This little one is making a mockery of my life, and my laundry pile is turning into a mountain. Come on, kid, listen to your mother!
Last week, I was convinced I was on the verge of labor. After a few false alarms, I went into my OB appointment feeling optimistic, like maybe I had progressed. On a scale of one to “No sex for six weeks,” how dilated was I? Spoiler alert: not at all. Just more stress on my maternity pants. So, despite my skepticism about alternative medicine (because if it worked, wouldn’t it just be called “medicine”?), I decided to try all the old wives’ tales floating around online. Here’s the rundown:
1. Pressure Point on Your Ankle
Absolute nonsense. I powered through an episode of True Blood and The Newsroom, pressing that point with all my might. Result? A sore ankle and no labor.
2. Fresh Pineapple
I’ve eaten enough pineapple to fill a fruit stand, and still, no baby. Just a lot of juice and a full bladder that made its way into my last pair of clean gym shorts.
3. Intercourse
This one’s a classic, but honestly? If you want a baby in your belly, maybe it’s useful. For inducing labor? Not so much.
4. Hang Out with Babies
I thought maybe if I played with some babies and made it super obvious (“Hey, look at all this fun, my baby is missing out!”), mine would want to join the party. Nope. My little one is too clever for that trick.
5. Ride a Bicycle
Okay, I just sat on a bike in Target. After trying almost everything else on this list, I expected magic. Instead, I just felt ridiculous.
6. Go for a Walk
Not my favorite thing to do right now, but I did it anyway. Where did it take me? The checkout aisle at Target, where I ended up spending $200 for nothing.
7. Spicy Food
I’m a spice lightweight, but I tried. Still no sign of labor. Myth: busted.
I’m sorry if you came here looking for hope or a miracle. If you’re anything like me, your pregnant eternity is just beginning. For more insights on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this amazing resource here. And if you’re interested in home insemination options, you can explore helpful information at BabyMaker.
In summary, I’ve tried seven methods to induce labor, and all I have to show for it is a mountain of laundry and a stubborn little one still inside. If you’re also waiting for your little miracle, hang in there.