I was attending a work conference in Portland when I found myself at a catered lunch, sitting across from a well-meaning non-parent. Upon discovering that I write a dad blog, she felt it was her duty to impart her wisdom on parenting. As she rambled on, I couldn’t help but zone out, reflecting on the countless unsolicited tips I’ve received from those who haven’t experienced parenthood. Here are a few gems, along with how I’d love to respond.
“Don’t let them eat in the car! That’ll solve the mess problem.”
Oh, really? Have you ever survived a 20-minute drive with a whiny toddler demanding snacks? Picture yourself in a mobile sweatbox with little gremlins shrieking for graham crackers while arguing over the space they occupy. Now, multiply that scenario by several years. Sometimes, the backseat feels like a prison yard, and if handing out fruit snacks keeps the peace and prevents me from driving into oncoming traffic, I’m all for it.
“Your kids wouldn’t be such picky eaters if you didn’t offer them other options.”
When was the last time you invited friends over for dinner and they treated your meal like it was a deep, dark abyss? I can barely get my kids to take a single bite of a burrito before they start gagging and whining. It’s not as simple as being a hard-nosed parent or offering choices. The reality is, every meal feels like a battle, and I sometimes find myself wishing I could just serve mac and cheese for eternity.
“If you truly loved your kids, you wouldn’t let them eat at McDonald’s.”
If you had children, you’d realize how unrealistic this statement is. McDonald’s is an unavoidable reality in our lives. I loathe the place and the endless toys that seemingly multiply in my car, but let’s be honest: kids adore it just like you love your local coffee shop. Sure, it’s not the healthiest option, but sometimes it’s a lifesaver on a hectic day.
“You really need to stop letting your kids run the show.”
What does that even mean? Should I just leave them in the backyard with a water bowl and a bag of chips? Or how about taking them out without shoes to save time? Parenting is about prioritizing my children’s needs. If I didn’t, it would be neglectful. Kids are a consuming joy, and if I didn’t invest in them, they’d run wild through the neighborhood, and I’d be the talk of social media for all the wrong reasons.
“I don’t get why you’re so tired. Just tell your kids to go back to bed.”
Oh, sure! And then what? Should I just tie them up? Telling a kid to return to bed is as easy as asking a cat to stop sitting on your lap. Last time I tried to send my five-year-old back to bed at 5 a.m., she threw a tantrum that woke up the entire household. Suddenly, breakfast turned into a chaotic affair filled with meltdowns over toast.
“My dogs have the same issues, but I just make sure they know who’s in charge.”
Did you just compare your dog to my child? Sure, pets can be like family, but kids are a whole different ball game. They’re complex, prone to emotional outbursts, and definitely not something you can just leave at home without serious consequences. Parenting isn’t about strict rules and instant results; it’s about a series of small adjustments over time, often filled with tears and frustration. So please, keep your dog comparisons to yourself.