Recently, a famous fashion duo referred to babies born through IVF to same-sex couples as “synthetic.” While I’m no expert in conception methods like those fashion designers, I’ve put together a light-hearted guide on how to distinguish these so-called synthetic babies from their “real” counterparts:
1. The Sleep Command
Synthetic babies have a magical ability to sleep on cue. A simple wave of the hand can keep them snug in bed until your alarm rings. In contrast, a real child will negotiate for just one more sip of water or another bedtime story, and before you know it, they’re back in your bed at 3 AM.
2. No Bodily Fluids
All kids seem to have a talent for producing fluids—whether it’s spit-up, snot, or other delightful combinations. If a child can go a whole day without a mess, you might be staring at a synthetic wonder. Keep your eyes peeled for these elusive beings!
3. Cruciferous Vegetable Lovers
If you want to test for a synthetic baby, just place a raw piece of cauliflower in front of them. A true synthetic will devour it joyfully without complaint. You can also try broccoli or kale, and they won’t bat an eye at the idea of a veggie-packed meal during lunch or dinner.
4. The Perfectly Polite Play
Real kids seem to have a knack for leaving sharp toys at the bottom of stairs and creating masterpieces on your dining table with permanent markers. In contrast, synthetic children play quietly with their educational toys and tidy up after themselves, even offering to share with siblings.
5. Tantrum-Free Zone
Synthetic babies never throw epic tantrums in public places. Instead, they calmly accept the idea of leaving a store without new toys and will even request that their car seat straps be snugged for safety. They’re the ones who wait patiently to enjoy their organic snacks at home.
6. Oral Hygiene Enthusiasts
These synthetic beings adore brushing and flossing their teeth! They will remind you of their last brushing session and use floss as directed, not as makeshift action-figure hangers. When you mention brushing before bed, they won’t react like you suggested a trip to the dentist for a root canal.
Unless you can check off all these signs, you can safely assume that the children you encounter are, in fact, “real.” And trust me, it’s best not to inquire about a mother’s conception method—be it IVF, surrogacy, or good old-fashioned doggy style. She’s likely too busy managing the chaos of daily life to respond anyway.
For more insights on home insemination, check out our post on fertility resources and learn about how to use in-home insemination kits effectively. If you’re curious about additional methods, you can read more on alternative conception.
Summary
Spotting a synthetic baby is all about the quirks. From sleeping on command to an unwavering love for veggies, these traits set them apart from the wonderfully chaotic reality of raising a “real” child.