Parenting
A Translation Guide to the Absurd Things Parents Say to Their Kids
by Jamie Thompson
Updated: Aug. 15, 2023
Originally Published: March 17, 2023
Have you ever wondered why parents often say things that seem completely disconnected from reality, logic, and common sense? It’s ironic considering they were once kids themselves, probably scratching their heads at the very phrases they now trot out.
The surprising truth is that these ridiculous sayings from parents are actually code for feelings and thoughts they can’t express outright because, well, society, the media, and child protective services would frown upon it. Yes, all those eye-rolling comments from Mom and Dad (some of which you may even be using now if you’re a parent) actually carry a different meaning.
This guide aims to uncover the true intent behind these timeworn phrases passed down through generations. It’s meant to liberate parents from their linguistic shackles and enlighten kids: You think we’re clueless? We’re actually playing 4D chess while you’re just figuring out checkers. So maybe think twice before giving us a hard time. Here are some classic parental sayings—and their real meanings:
“Because I said so.”
I’m running on one last nerve today, kiddo. You’re pushing it. I’ve got years of age, wisdom, and experience on you, and I know when you’re asking “Why?” out of genuine curiosity versus when you’re just stalling on that chore you don’t want to do. Honestly, I could train a monkey to unload the dishwasher, and they’d be cheaper!
“I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Oh, I see you’re already crying! Well, what you’re upset about is quite trivial. Ever heard of perspective? If you could just stop that wailing for a moment, I’d explain it to you. It’s not my fault your favorite show got moved; if you could just learn to press that one button on the remote, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation!
“If you keep making that face, it’ll freeze like that.”
Honestly, part of me hopes it does. Imagine what kind of date you could land with a scrunched-up nose, tongue hanging out, and eyelids all twisted! Please, let this be a lesson!
“This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you.”
Let’s be real: this is going to hurt you, not me. I might feel a twinge of guilt later, but probably not!
“Wait until your other parent gets home.”
You have no idea how much restraint I’m showing right now. The kind of restraint that keeps you safe until your other parent arrives, at which point I’ll telepathically convey just how fed up I am with you. At that moment, the responsibility for your fate will be completely theirs, and I won’t lose a wink of sleep over it.
We hope this guide helps you decode the time-honored language of parenting. It’s all about clever communication—because let’s face it, it’s better than jail time!
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In summary, this guide not only provides chuckles but also unravels the underlying meanings of common parental sayings. Next time you hear one, you’ll be in on the secret!