Updated: March 14, 2018
Originally Published: March 13, 2015
Dear curious onlookers at Costco,
I could see your eyes widen as we maneuvered our trusty 15-passenger van into a parking spot nestled between a sleek two-door Miata and a compact Smart Car. You watched with a mix of admiration and disbelief as we attempted to unload our crew with all the grace we could muster—23 minutes later, we filed into Costco with our seven kids and three shopping carts, ready for our weekly excursion.
I can only imagine the thoughts racing through your minds as you spotted one child wearing mismatched footwear—an open-toed sandal on one foot and a duct-taped rubber boot on the other. You noticed another child sporting pajama pants that were at least three sizes too small, paired with a faded Thomas the Tank Engine shirt because, quite frankly, he refuses to dress while his eyes are open.
At this point, I’ve surrendered to the chaos. Our toddler looked ready for a day at sea, while another was dressed for a frosty ski trip. And the little one in the cart? He was wailing not out of disdain for Costco shopping, but simply because we enforce a strict “no shopping naked” policy.
You stared at our lively bunch, both horrified and bewildered. “Why on earth do they have SEVEN children?” you must have wondered. But let’s take a moment to reflect—seven isn’t really that outrageous, is it? If I told you I had seven goldfish, you’d probably ask if I had any other pets. Seven pairs of shoes? Yawn. Seven dollars? You’d pity my financial state. Yet, somehow, seven children elicited the same reaction as if I had suggested you catch a bald eagle and eat it with your feet.
After making it past the Costco gatekeeper, we navigated our way through the aisles, scooping up samples like pros. You might have cringed as you watched our lanky teen in a Seahawks jersey devour 14 paper cups of microwaveable beef Wellington in just three bites before reaching for more. He’s the reason we even have a Costco membership, after all. Affectionately dubbed The Very Hungry Teenager, he can polish off a meal and immediately ask for two sandwiches, three carrots, and a bowl of cereal topped with a fried egg. He’ll even look around the table and ask, “Are you going to finish that?”
So yes, we frequent Costco like it’s our second home, and we’ve become quite accustomed to the reactions from fellow shoppers loading up on frozen burritos and candy bars.
Since chatting about my family size with total strangers is my guilty pleasure, I’ve compiled a handy FAQ for your next encounter with us:
FAQ
Q: Cute baby. Is she your last?
A: As of this year, yes.
Q: Why so many kids?
A: It boosts our chances of a nice nursing home.
Q: Do all your kids have the same dad?
A: So far, yes.
Q: What’s your monthly food bill like?
A: How much is your mortgage?
Q: How will you pay for their college?
A: Bless your heart for thinking my kids would qualify for anything other than a circus school.
Q: Is it loud at your house?
A: What? I didn’t hear you.
Q: Are you trying to be like that family with 19 kids?
A: Oh for sure. Seven is practically 19, right?
Q: Why is that one taking his clothes off?
A: Don’t worry, he’ll stop once he realizes we’re buying mustard.
Hopefully, that quenches some of your curiosity.
As for our checkout experience? Let’s just say it involved a twirling sister, a sprawling brother, some runaway oranges, a Flop Tantrum, and a churro that took flight. After St. Peter—the receipt angel—gave us the nod to exit, we gathered our circus and headed home, much to your relief, I’m sure.
Now, as I sit here enjoying my coffee, I’m already excited for our next Costco adventure. You’re more than welcome to tag along! Just promise you’ll dress appropriately—think yacht day or ski resort chic.
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Summary
In this humorous letter to Costco onlookers, Mrs. Johnson shares her chaotic family shopping experiences, responding to common questions about parenting seven children. With engaging anecdotes and a light-hearted tone, she invites readers to consider the joys and challenges of large families while providing helpful links for those interested in family planning and home insemination.