“How does a baby get into a mommy’s belly?”
“If a big bomb exploded in Denver, would it hurt people all the way in Texas?”
“Why did someone shoot Martin Luther King, Jr.?”
“What’s the scoop on abortion?”
“And how do two girls have babies if they get married?”
These questions pop up during our car rides, usually when the music is blasting, and we’re all trying to get home after a long day. It’s always at the end of the day, when the kids are bouncing off the walls, and I just want to get through dinner without a meltdown over burnt quiche.
Many times, the queries are so profound and the responses so lengthy that our conversations spill over from the car into the dinner table, where they’ve dubbed it “The Time to Stump Mom.” With my kiddos ranging from 6 to nearly 13, I have to carefully pick my words. Explaining sperm banks or the threat of nuclear war to a 6-year-old requires a delicate balance—after all, he doesn’t need all the gritty details, right?
One evening, as we all tumbled out of the car and battled through the laundry room, my daughter, who’s 8, casually dropped a bombshell question about wanting to marry a certain pop star—let’s say “Katy Berry” for fun.
With my usual sarcastic flair, I chuckled, “Absolutely, sweetie, but you’ll have to travel to make it official. Maybe you could tie the knot in Hawaii!” I turned to trudge into the kitchen, lamenting over our dinner options. But when I glanced back, my daughter wore a puzzled expression, her backpack resting at her feet.
“Wait, it’s illegal for me to marry Katy Berry? Are we going to jail for that?” she asked, wide-eyed.
“Oh, no, it’s not illegal,” I quickly corrected. “It’s just that Texas doesn’t recognize it legally.” My mind raced, trying to gauge how much information she could handle. Should I dive into health insurance, wills, and the idea of adoption? “Sweetheart, if Katy Berry were a firefighter and something happened to her, you wouldn’t have any legal rights to her benefits here in Texas.” I didn’t actually say that, but boy, did I have to wrestle with myself.
Instead, I focused on dinner while she settled at the table. We talked about the right to marry whomever you love and how the Supreme Court might eventually change the laws so she and Katy Berry could get hitched anywhere in the country.
At 8, my daughter is still figuring out what love and relationships mean, but she’s definitely aware of them. I remember being her age, grappling with many of the same questions, but never once did marriage equality come up in everyday chats. It didn’t touch anyone in my circle. Sometimes, I wish I could scoop her up, give her a reassuring hug, and tell her how fortunate she is to be growing up in this time. The world isn’t perfect, but progress is evident.
There’s no straightforward answer to many of the questions my kids throw my way. I can only hope that the world continues to expand, that their questions will find answers as they grow, and that they feel empowered to shape those answers.
The celebrities they admire are still packaged and presented in shiny, digestible bites, but there are also real moments. We adults might debate the meaning behind songs like “I Kissed a Girl,” or discuss the latest happenings with Taylor Swift and her hot model friend, but we also witness TV shows featuring two moms and kids learning about gender and sexuality in school. Our family cherishes friendships with same-sex couples, and at my kids’ school, families with two moms or two dads are just part of the scenery.
When a trans student came out in my son’s fifth-grade class, the kids responded with, “Your new name is awesome!” and moved right along. (This sparked a car ride chat about how “gender is really something inside you rather than outside!”)
I think back to my own role models at that age: Lily Tomlin, Sally Ride, and Louise Fitzhugh. I remember the homogenous PTA meetings and watching news stories about AIDS. I wonder how different my own formative years would have been if I had had the presence of someone like Katy Berry, or shows that openly discuss love and support among partners.
One of the more challenging aspects of these car-to-dinner discussions is that we rarely reach a solid conclusion. The conversations can take so many twists and turns. “Yes, but,” is a constant companion in our chats. Sometimes, our discussion about marrying Katy Berry veers into the reality that not every kid has parents they can talk freely with about these topics, highlighting that there’s still so much more to change.
Navigating through discussions about nuclear threats and sperm banks can feel overwhelming, especially when I’m also juggling homework on fractions and hearing complaints about taco night—again! But I’m truly grateful for these dialogues, and I hope that as my kids grow older, they keep the questions coming.
In summary, opening up these conversations about love, identity, and societal norms is vital. The world is changing, and so are the discussions around it, giving our children a broader understanding of relationships and acceptance.