By: Jamie Foster
Updated: Jan. 22, 2018
Originally Published: Feb. 10, 2015
Let’s be honest: I’m pretty relieved I’m not a woman. From my perspective, being a woman can be quite challenging.
Now, before you start protesting and calling in the feminist cavalry, just hear me out. I genuinely admire women—especially my wife. But the thought of actually being a woman? No, thank you. Women face a lot, from pervasive misogyny to earning 25% less than men for the same roles, not to mention the unrealistic beauty standards imposed by the media and fashion industry.
After getting that off my chest, let me share the primary reason I’m glad I’m not a woman: the vagina.
Yes, the lady garden, situated a short distance below the belly button. It’s the very passage through which we all entered this world, and for many men, it becomes a lifelong fascination.
Vaginas are remarkable, no doubt. Picture it: when a woman disrobes, it’s like unveiling a secret realm—complete with the potential for harps and cherubs greeting you. Unfortunately, the male anatomy doesn’t quite have the same allure. When the zipper goes down, it’s more like a drunken group of guys tumbling out of a cab after a long night.
But while the penis may lack beauty, it makes up for it with simplicity; minimal upkeep is required. In contrast, maintaining a vagina is no small feat. It’s high time we men recognize just how much work goes into keeping that area looking good.
To shed light on this topic, I turned to the resident expert on all things vagina in my household: my wife. Here’s how that conversation went:
Me: “Babe, can I interview you for my blog about vaginas and upkeep?”
Wife: “No way! I live this every day. You think I want to discuss it for your blog? Good luck with that!”
So much for that! Desperate for content, I dove into my own research—and let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. Here’s a humorous overview of vaginal maintenance, as explained by yours truly.
Menstruation: The Monthly Visitor
Let’s start with the monthly visitor: menstruation. Men, let’s face it—we often lack understanding when it comes to this monthly event. We’ve all had that moment where we’ve thought, “Oh, it must be that time of the month,” when a woman seems irritable. But the pain women endure during this time? It’s no joke.
Cramps can range from a mild annoyance to something that feels like an internal battle. Remember when a coach would tell you to “walk it off” after a minor injury? Yeah, that doesn’t apply here.
Then there are the options for managing this monthly occurrence: tampons and pads. Imagine having to choose between inserting a plastic applicator or wearing something that feels like a gym sock stuffed in your underwear. And don’t get me started on the menstrual cup—definitely not your average Dixie cup! It’s a cup that goes up there and is emptied when needed. I can’t help but cringe at the thought.
Douching and Vaginal Beautification
Now, let’s talk about douching. This practice tends to be a bit controversial, and while some feel the need for a deep clean, it’s essential to remember that the vagina is self-cleaning. The whole idea of “freshening up” with artificial scents is baffling. Why not have bacon-scented options? Imagine the attention that could bring!
Vaginal beautification is another topic worth mentioning. Ladies, I genuinely appreciate your efforts, but let’s be real—you don’t need to go through such lengths to keep things “fresh.” We men are interested regardless of how it looks down there!
And then there’s the bizarre trend of steam cleaning the vagina—yes, you read that right. This advice comes from none other than Gwyneth Paltrow, and I can’t help but roll my eyes. Really? What’s next, ironing?
Conclusion
So, there you have it. If you’re wondering why I’m rambling about vaginas and their upkeep, it’s because of a bet I lost to my friend Tara over at The Malleable Mom. I lost a Super Bowl wager, and this was my hilarious punishment.
In summary, while the world of feminine hygiene is complicated and can be downright ridiculous, it’s crucial for men to appreciate the effort women put into maintaining their bodies. Whether it’s dealing with menstruation or the myriad of beauty practices, it’s a lot of work that we often overlook.
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