Stop Being Awkward: Start Communicating Effectively

1. Recognize Individual Contributions in Your Relationships
   One of my favorite parenting guides, which is just as applicable to adults, is the insightful work by Faber and Mazlish titled How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. They also authored Siblings Without Rivalry, which I highly recommend. A standout section discusses how to respond when a child exclaims, “You love Joe more than me!” The authors highlight that saying “I love you both the same” often feels insufficient because we all yearn for unique love. They illustrate this with an adult example: When a wife asks her husband, “Who do you love more, your mother or me?” she’s not looking for an equal answer. Instead, he responds, “My mother is my mother. You’re the captivating, wonderful woman I want to spend my life with.” Now that’s a response that resonates!
2. Offer Perspective
   Just days before my wedding, I was consumed with anxiety over the little details and potential mishaps (I was particularly worried that my veil would fly off!). My mom, being the wise woman she is, listened patiently and then said, “Often, the things that go wrong create the best memories.” That simple insight instantly calmed my nerves.
3. Encourage Others to Seek Their Own Truth
   In Piers Anthony’s fantasy novel, A Spell for Chameleon, the character Bink is troubled because he doesn’t know what magic he possesses. To discover his truth, he consults the Good Magician Humpfrey, who agrees to answer one question for a year of servitude. During this time, Bink encounters a manticora nearing the end of its service. When asked what question it posed, the manticora shares: “I asked whether I have a soul.” Bink, puzzled, questions the value of that inquiry. The manticora explains that a simple yes or no wouldn’t suffice; the phrasing of the magician’s answer was profound enough that it solidified the truth for him.
4. Differentiate Between Big Issues and Minor Setbacks
   My partner and I were collaborating on a project with a few others when a colleague accidentally sent a group email meant for just us, including some critical feedback. Afterward, he expressed his embarrassment to us. My partner responded with a simple, reassuring, “We’ve all done it.” This response acknowledges the reality of the situation without trivializing the person’s feelings. Saying things like “Don’t worry” or “It’s going to be okay” can dismiss genuine feelings of anxiety. Instead, an empathetic response that validates their concerns can be far more comforting.

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These examples reveal the importance of acknowledging others’ feelings while providing perspective. Whether someone is anxious about an upcoming event or feeling insecure, they often want someone to listen and validate their emotions.

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Summary

Effective communication is key to fostering strong relationships, whether with children or adults. By recognizing individual contributions, offering perspective, encouraging self-discovery, and distinguishing between significant concerns and minor issues, we can connect more deeply with those around us. Acknowledging feelings and providing support can make all the difference.