Updated: Aug. 13, 2015
Originally Published: Jan. 16, 2015
The other morning, I woke up to find some serious horizontal lines etched across my forehead. Naturally, I rushed to the mirror, attempting to smooth them away. My husband, ever the supportive partner, quipped, “Honey, it’s just age; they’re laugh lines. You’ve got a happy face, but you’re getting old.”
“Happy? Right now? And you’re going bald!”
What the heck? Did I just cross over into the land of the ‘aged’?
And let me tell you, I am not slacking on my skincare routine. I’m a VIB at Sephora.com—yes, that stands for Very Important Beauty. My last splurge? A $98 serum infused with regenerative micro-algae. I mean, for that kind of cash, my skin should be tighter, and my breasts should be defying gravity! Instead, I’m stuck with what looks like bowling alley gutters above my eyebrows and let’s just say my breasts have taken a trip south.
Forget the fact that I’ve always passed for younger than my years; I’m lucky, they say. Well, tell that to the lady who’s wearing so much spandex that she could be Richard Simmons’ right-hand woman. At least I can breathe when I sleep.
Forgetfulness and Family Chaos
And let’s chat about forgetfulness. True, it’s usually the little things, but it’s infuriating. Just yesterday, I spent ten frantic minutes hunting for my phone, all while my kids, backpacks on, were wrestling in the background. “Stop hitting your brother! I need my phone! STOP THE NOISE!”
“Uh, Mom, your phone’s in your hand.”
Oh, for crying out loud.
“Get in the car!”
“Mom, I think you’re getting old.”
“Get in the trunk!”
The Gray Hair Dilemma
And please, don’t get me started on gray hair. I’ve been a regular at the dye salon for years. As an Italian/Ukrainian brunette, my first gray hair showed up way too early—front and center, fierce, and demanding attention. My color appointments have become so frequent that my stylist practically lives with us; he even has a guest room and a Christmas stocking! And let’s not even mention the other areas that need attention—yes, ladies, it’s not just the hair on your head that changes.
Eventually, you’ll find yourself dealing with the “Triple Crown”: the hair on your head, the carpet, and the chin hairs I affectionately call “the sofa.” Those pesky little billy goat hairs can sprout up like weeds. I once showed one to my husband for a laugh, and his reaction was priceless: “If you ever want to touch me again, don’t show me that.”
Intimacy and Changes
Then there’s the topic of intimacy. I remember being quite the little firecracker in my 20s and 30s. Then came kids, thyroid issues, and early menopause. If you’re curious about how that affects your sex drive, do yourself a favor and Google it—trust me, you won’t want to again! And let’s just say that dryness becomes an unwelcome companion. Sure, you can make that awkward “I-just-ate-a-lemon” face, but your lady bits aren’t quite the jubilant fountain they once were. There are creams and solutions, but intimacy shifts from spontaneous to somewhat of a chore. You’ve got to find the humor in it, or you’ll be left with a solo act that takes an eternity. So budget your time wisely, stay lighthearted, and stock up on KY—extra strength is a wardrobe essential now. Fun is still possible, but swinging from chandeliers? That’s a recipe for a sore back; we’re way too old for that!
The Weight Gain Reality
And yes, the weight gain is real. Or rather, I should say *I’ve* gained weight. What if we tear the chandelier out of the ceiling? How do we explain that to the kids? Some women, bless their hearts, seem to escape the weight gain that comes with age. The rest of us? Well, we’re just human! Our bodies change, and that metabolism? Consider it gone. You can either bid farewell to your favorite wines and desserts or learn to embrace that extra layer of you. That’s my strategy! I refuse to be the woman sipping kale smoothies while out. No way! I’ve earned my Malbec and chocolate cake. I’ve hit the big 5-0 and raised two kids who, despite all their antics, are still breathing. So, pour me that glass of wine and hand over the cake, especially that corner piece!
For more on navigating changes in life and love, you can check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination.
In conclusion, we all face the inevitable changes that come with age, but embracing them with humor and a glass of wine can make the journey a little more bearable.