Recently, my partner, Alex, came home from work, excitedly sharing details about a significant case he’s involved in. The Ninth Circuit had granted his client’s request for a rehearing, which means he’ll be heading to San Francisco to present his arguments before eleven judges. Quite the thrilling day, right? When he asked me about my day, I replied, “Oh, I got a lot done today—I tackled three loads of laundry, took Oliver to speech therapy, baked some cookies, and gave the baby a bath…”
Lately, though, I’ve found myself bogged down by the sheer repetitiveness and, let’s be honest, the banality of my daily routine. I know I’m supposed to be singing praises about my life as a stay-at-home mom and embracing my role as a “mommy blogger” (if that’s even a title I can claim), but the truth is, I’ve been feeling more like a servant than a mother. It often seems that everyone in the house has endless demands, and I’m just here to cater to them.
Do I sound resentful? Maybe I am.
On one hand, I recognize how lucky I am to stay home with my kids—many women would love that opportunity. But on the other hand, I can’t help but question my choices. I recently read Why Have Kids by Jessica Valenti, and it struck a chord with me. The book argues that motherhood isn’t the glorified experience it’s often portrayed to be. Can I get an amen? It’s a lot of monotony and hard work, sprinkled with rare moments of joy. The reality is that it’s largely a thankless job. Sure, perhaps the fruits of our labor will show when our kids grow up to be decent individuals, but much of that outcome is out of our control. If they turn out to be less than stellar, do we shoulder the blame for that too?
Valenti also suggests that society has duped us mothers into thinking that our role is the most important one, a notion perpetuated to keep women at home while men run the world. Even the significant push toward breastfeeding can sometimes feel like a way to keep women tied down to their domestic roles. While I’ve always been an advocate for breastfeeding, I can see the irony in how it limits women’s choices. After all, formula was created partly as a means to liberate women. Yet, breastfeeding in public can be quite the challenge, especially in the workplace.
Is motherhood really the most important job in the world? That’s akin to saying that maintaining a house I built on my own is the pinnacle of importance. I chose to have these kids; I’m not doing society any favors. Maybe one of my children will grow up to make a meaningful contribution to the world, but let’s be real—most will lead average lives and won’t leave a lasting legacy beyond their immediate families.
And honestly, is doing laundry really the best I can offer? Am I impressing anyone with my cookie-baking prowess?
Motherhood doesn’t exactly showcase my best skills—instead, it often highlights my shortcomings. I’ve been grappling with these thoughts for quite some time now. It’s tough to express them without seeming ungrateful or unloving. I adore my kids; they are my everything. And therein lies my struggle. They are my entire world.
What happened to my identity along the way? I never anticipated that embracing this role would mean losing sight of who I am. I am a mother, yes, but outside of that title, I feel a bit lost.
I wonder if I should have had fewer kids or continued working outside the home, even just part-time. Not only have I sacrificed my own independence, but I’ve also made myself financially dependent on Alex, which I vowed I wouldn’t do after my first marriage ended. I’ve been out of the workforce for a decade, and it’ll be years before my youngest is in school and I can consider part-time work again. By then, I’ll be in my 50s, and I fear I won’t be qualified for anything that pays well. It’s daunting when I think about the what-ifs.
It’s not just about finances, either. What message am I sending my daughters about independence? I’m starting to realize that perhaps I’m not the best role model. Maybe if I weren’t at everyone’s beck and call, they’d appreciate me more.
And here’s the real kicker: it’s a myth that women can do it all and have it all. We can’t. Choosing to stay home means sacrificing independence, earning potential, and sometimes even our sense of self. Working moms face an exhausting juggling act, often without the support they need to thrive both at work and at home.
So, here I am, feeling stuck. I can’t be the only one feeling this way, right?
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Summary
The piece explores the often-unspoken challenges and realities of motherhood, highlighting the emotional struggle of balancing domestic responsibilities with personal identity. The author reflects on the societal expectations placed on mothers and the sacrifices they make, revealing a deep sense of conflict over their roles.