Dear Amazing Hospital Team,
We’re excited to share our wishes for the birth of our little one, and we hope this guide helps make the experience as smooth (and humorous) as possible!
- If my partner, Alex, or I begin to panic, hyperventilate, or shed a few tears at the thought of being responsible for a tiny human (especially given our track record of forgetting whose turn it is to take out the trash, resulting in a fly situation that rivals a horror movie), please look away and let us keep our dignity intact.
- Should Alex attempt to sneak a candy bar into the room because his coaching duties have given him a serious snack craving, kindly confiscate it and offer him a refreshing glass of ice chips instead.
- If Alex tries to slip me a fizzy soda to quench my thirst, kindly ignore it, as we all know that ice chips are the only acceptable option here!
- When you suggest pain relief and I insist, “No thanks, I watched the Business of Being Born and I’m confident I can handle this,” that’s code for “YES, bring on ALL the pain relief right away!”
- If we arrive at our birthing suite and the TV is out of commission, you might as well call for backup because, let’s face it, we won’t survive the wait without some entertainment.
- If there’s a nurse who adopts the tough love approach and insists on saying things like, “It’s all part of the process,” we’d really appreciate it if you could send in a cheerful nurse who enjoys holding hands instead.
- If anyone offers me a mirror while the baby is crowning, I might enthusiastically say, “Absolutely!” and then accidentally shatter it like a rock star in a bar fight. Just a fair warning!
- I’d love for the baby to be placed on my chest right after birth for that iconic “baby covered in goo” photo, which I plan to send to my mother-in-law who might be a bit miffed that I didn’t allow her to witness the whole ordeal.
- After our baby arrives, we would prefer to room in together and have all care procedures done at our bedside—not just for bonding, but because Alex had the brilliant idea of watching a Lifetime movie about switched at birth babies, and now we’re both a bit nervous!
- The lactation consultant is welcome to drop by, but please let her know that we intend to introduce a pacifier as soon as our little one is ready, so any “nipple confusion” talks can be saved for another time.
Thank you for taking the time to read our birth plan. We appreciate your support in making this a memorable experience!
For more insights on pregnancy and the journey to parenthood, check out this excellent resource. And if you’re curious about home insemination, you might want to explore this guide for more information.
Summary:
This birth plan outlines humorous and heartfelt requests for a couple preparing for their first child. It emphasizes the need for a supportive and lighthearted atmosphere during labor, including preferences for pain management, privacy, and bonding with their newborn.