I often remind myself, “No tallying up!” when I catch myself negotiating or keeping tabs on who’s done what around the house—and let me tell you, I slipped up recently. Picture this: I had just wrapped up a panel discussion at a conference and endured a four-hour train ride home. My older daughter was off at a birthday bash, and it was time for one of us to brave the chilly night to bring her back. The air was thick with the question of who would do the honors. My partner, Alex, said with a hint of reluctance, “I’ll go get her.”
By implying that Alex “should” take on this task, I was unintentionally undermining his willingness to help. That was my moment of failure. What I really should’ve said was, “Thanks a ton! After that long train ride, I’m not up for another outing. I truly appreciate it.” Instead, I defensively retorted, “What have you been doing for the past three hours?” Implying that he’d just been lounging around while I suffered through my commute—that’s classic scorekeeping right there. It’s the old “I did this, so now you owe me that” mentality.
Alex shot back, “I’ve been managing everything here while you were on the train.” Thankfully, I caught myself before this conversation spiraled into a debate over who had the tougher afternoon and therefore “should” handle the chore. I realized I’d turned his kind offer into a burden, thus squashing his generosity. Instead of embracing his thoughtful gesture, I was calculating—despite the fact that he had already stepped up! I quickly backtracked because, let’s face it, it’s way better to feel grateful than to get into a squabble over who owes what.
Of course, every relationship involves a bit of give-and-take; it wouldn’t be fair for one person to bear all the load while the other does nothing. However, in my relationship, things generally balance out pretty well, and the vibe is much more joyful when I ditch the scorekeeping mindset and focus on simply doing the loving thing.
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In summary, keeping score in love can lead to unnecessary conflict and misunderstandings. Instead, embrace gratitude and generosity in your relationships for a happier partnership.