Let’s talk about the tea towel, or more accurately, the underlying issue of household dynamics. “Why am I the one who knows which cloths are for hands and which ones are for cleaning?” a friend of mine lamented. “How did it become my responsibility to make all the household decisions—like where we keep the spare diapers or what juice boxes to buy for a party? Why am I the one giving instructions, only for him to mess it up and then I’m the one who gets irritated?”
The Love Game
Well, there’s some intriguing research that sheds light on this. A couple of studies conducted by Dr. Ellen Lamont, a sociology professor at Appalachian State University, reveal that the gender roles established during dating tend to carry over into marriage. In her research, Dr. Lamont interviewed 38 young women and 31 young men in San Francisco about their dating experiences. Interestingly, even though most participants identified as progressive and feminist, they still adhered to traditional dating norms. The men were expected to ask the women out, pay for dates, and eventually pop the question.
What was surprising was how the women played along with these norms. They often waited for men to initiate, and while they might offer to pay for a first date, a man accepting that offer was seen as a negative. Many women orchestrated their own marriage proposals but presented the narrative that the man had surprised them on bended knee. It seems they believed that taking initiative would make them seem desperate, and social penalties might follow.
Dr. Lamont explained that many women held onto the cultural belief that men shy away from commitment while women are eager for it—despite numerous men in the study expressing a genuine readiness for marriage. A lot of women felt that if they deviated from traditional roles, they might lose their appeal in the dating market.
The Marriage Trap
Now, here’s where it gets even more complex. Most of these women desired a marriage where responsibilities like breadwinning, childcare, and housework were shared equally. The men, who also identified as feminists, professed a commitment to egalitarian relationships. However, once the wedding vows were exchanged, many couples fell back into conventional domestic roles.
Dr. Lamont noted that even the most progressive men often found themselves rationalizing an unequal division of household labor, saying things like, “Cooking is her hobby,” or “Cleaning is her thing, while I’m just… sitting here.” Both men and women framed these roles as personal choices rather than recognizing the cultural patterns that influenced their behavior.
Women often felt forced to hide their assertiveness, fearing it might jeopardize their relationships. They would express interest subtly, such as saying, “Hey, I’ll be at this party later, you should come,” allowing them to convey their feelings without stepping on any traditional toes. Many women even took charge of their marriage proposals, but the public story was still about the man’s surprise.
Dr. Lamont suggests that this dynamic is detrimental to women, particularly those with fewer resources who may face even greater challenges in challenging gender norms. When women conform to traditional roles, it often benefits men, granting them more agency in relationships, like the privilege of watching sports while someone else handles the chores.
If you’re curious about how these dynamics play out in other areas of life, check out our other blog posts, like this one on home insemination. For a more comprehensive look at pregnancy and home insemination, visit WomensHealth.gov. And if you’re interested in the tools for this journey, check out Cryobaby’s Home Intracervical Insemination Kit—they’re a trusted source on the subject.
In summary, while both men and women often perpetuate traditional gender roles in romance, it’s primarily men who reap the benefits, leaving women to navigate a complex web of expectations and social penalties.