I woke up recently to find horizontal lines etched across my forehead. Standing at the mirror, I tried to smooth them away, only to hear my husband chime in with, “Sweetheart, those are laugh lines. You’re happy, but yes, you’re getting old.”
“Happy? Not right now! And you’re going bald!”
What just happened? Did I really just age overnight?
I’m diligent about my skincare routine. I’m a Very Important Beauty (VIB) at Sephora.com, for goodness’ sake! My last splurge was on an $98 serum infused with regenerative micro-algae. It was supposed to lift and firm my skin. Instead, I’m left with forehead furrows while my breasts seem to have taken a permanent plunge south.
Forget that I’ve always been told I look younger than my years. Lucky me, right? Tell that to someone who’s wearing enough spandex to be Richard Simmons’ assistant. But hey, at least I can breathe when I sleep.
Then there’s the issue of forgetfulness. It’s the little things, but it drives me mad. Just yesterday, I spent ten frantic minutes searching for my phone while my kids bounced around with full backpacks, shoving each other.
“Stop hitting your brother! I need to find my phone! STOP YELLING!”
“Uh, Mom, your phone is in your hand.”
Ugh.
“Get in the car.”
“Mom, I think you’re getting old.”
“Get in the trunk.”
And let’s not forget about the grey hairs. As an Italian/Ukrainian brunette, I noticed my first grey way too early. It was bold and wiry, right there on the front lines. Semi-annual trips to the salon turned into monthly visits. My stylist now practically lives with us—he’s got his own room and even a Christmas stocking. And yes, I’m talking about more than just the hair on my head. Ladies, keep an eye on your carpet because you absolutely don’t want your partner to discover any surprises down there.
Eventually, you’ll hit the trifecta: hair, chin, and the dreaded “sofa.” Expect those rogue hairs to sprout with a vengeance. My first surprise was so outrageous that I had to show my husband just for the shock value. “If you ever want to see me naked again, don’t show me that!”
Now, let’s talk about intimacy. I remember being a wild acrobat in my 20s and 30s, but then came kids, a thyroid condition, and early menopause. If you’re unaware of what that does to your libido, do yourself a favor—don’t Google it. Plus, there are, um, drying issues. Sure, you can make that pinched face like you just bit into a lemon, but your lady parts won’t be the same delightful fountain they once were. With time, intimacy has shifted from spontaneous to a well-planned operation. You’ve got to find humor in it or else you might find yourself spending an eternity solo, which, trust me, can feel like a lifetime. So, budget your time wisely, lighten up, and stock up on personal lubes (extra strength is preferred). You can still enjoy yourself, but swinging off chandeliers is out; trust me, your back won’t thank you.
And as for weight gain? Okay, I’ve packed on a few extra pounds. What if we did rip the chandelier out of the ceiling? How on earth would we explain that to the kids? Some women, who I like to call “lucky ones,” seem to defy the aging process. But for the rest of us, our bodies are merely mortal. That metabolism you once had? Gone. So, it’s either farewell to wine and dessert or cozy up to that little extra. That’s my plan. I’m not going to be out enjoying a kale smoothie. Not happening. I deserve my Malbec and chocolate cake. After all, I’ve lived half a century and given life to two kids who, despite all the chaos, are still here. Pour me a glass of wine and pass the cake—make sure it’s a corner piece!
For more on this topic, check out one of our other blog posts for tips and insights. And if you’re considering options for at-home insemination, browse the reputable selection at Cryobaby for quality at-home insemination kits. If you’re looking for more in-depth information about pregnancy and home insemination, Healthline is an excellent resource.
In summary, aging might come with its challenges, but embracing the humor in it can make the journey a little easier. Our bodies change, and while some might not gain weight with age, the rest of us are learning to love ourselves, wrinkles and all. So let’s raise a glass to the beauty of aging—cake included!
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