Let’s face it: once kids come into the picture, the dynamics of intimacy take a wild turn. Exhausted parents strive to keep the flame alive, often falling into one of these five familiar categories of intimacy:
- The-Baby-Is-Sleeping Quickie. In this thrilling scenario, one partner (usually the mom) puts the baby down for a nap, knowing they have a precious 45 minutes before the baby wakes up with a loud announcement. Feeling guilty for the last time intimacy happened, she seduces her partner with the enticing phrase, “Come on, he’ll only be asleep for another 43 minutes, and I need to pump before he wakes!” Her partner, ever the eager participant, responds with either a pumped “Let’s do it!” or a more passive, “Well, if you’re not really into it…” This could lead to an epic argument over his alleged passive-aggressiveness.
- Half-Hearted Intimacy. This perplexing situation raises the question: how can something be only half of what it should be? Picture it: one partner is clearly disinterested, reminiscent of that quirky film Lars and the Real Girl. In this case, it’s usually the guy who, after this lackluster experience, finds himself deep into a late-night social media stalk of an old crush who “really understood him.”
- Co-sleeping Shenanigans. Move over, Jenna Jameson! This daring escapade involves a couple tiptoeing out of bed to avoid waking the little one. They might find themselves on the living room floor or in a secluded corner, desperately trying to be quiet and quick, all while keeping an ear out for the baby potentially mastering the art of rolling out of bed. You can practically feel the excitement for that day when all the kids have their own beds!
- Birthday Celebrations (His Edition). This usually involves the dad’s birthday, where the mom may don some lingerie that’s probably seen better days (thanks to baby spit-up). She tries to muster some enthusiasm, making noises that might resemble excitement. If he’s good at convincing himself, he might just enjoy the moment until the baby interrupts the festivities with a wake-up call.
- Actual Intimacy. Every once in a while, the stars align: the kids are asleep, the mood is right, and the couple feels connected—perhaps because they just reminisced over old photo albums that spark those initial sparks. In this rare scenario, they can fully engage with each other, setting aside their parental roles. Enjoy this moment; it’s as rare as spotting a unicorn, but oh-so magical!
If you find yourself disagreeing with these descriptions, either you’ve cracked the code on parenting bliss, or you might just be in denial. Don’t worry, things will improve eventually—just in time for menopause! (Let’s pretend I’m joking for everyone’s sake.)
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Summary:
Parenting alters intimacy significantly, often leading couples to experience a range of sexual encounters from quickies during nap times to rare moments of genuine connection. While these scenarios may seem humorous, they reflect the shared struggles of many parents. Embracing the chaos with a sense of humor can be key.