As our grasp of conditions like ADHD has evolved thanks to advances in neuroscience, it’s become evident that individuals with this disorder—like my friend Sam—aren’t just “lazy.” Brain imaging indicates that certain brain regions, particularly those linked to executive functions—such as planning, prioritizing, attention, and emotional regulation—are underdeveloped in people with ADHD. For those with ADHD, concentrating on daily tasks is significantly more challenging than it is for others. While their outward behavior may resemble laziness, they’re often putting in tremendous effort internally.
Understanding Others
We all recognize that people are unique. Some individuals may be more prone to stress or anxiety, while others gravitate toward different music or activities. For instance, I find joy in running in the rain, but I know not everyone shares that enthusiasm.
However, it’s hard to truly grasp the idea that someone else’s internal experiences can be vastly different from our own. Think back to a time when a friend confided in you about feeling sad, anxious, or unmotivated. If you felt you could relate, it was likely because you connected it to a similar experience of your own.
Now, imagine your friend approaches you and says, “I feel really glubbish today.” You might respond with, “What does glubbish mean?” To which she replies, “Oh, it’s a word I made up for how I feel right now.” In this scenario, you might feel helpless to empathize, as you can’t connect it to any experience you’ve had.
The Science of Empathy
Why is it so challenging to comprehend experiences we’ve never had? Research in empathy psychology and neuroscience suggests we often empathize by “simulating”—by envisioning how we would feel in someone else’s shoes. Our brains do this instinctively, often without us realizing it.
While this simulation method is generally helpful for quick empathy, it has its limitations. We can’t simulate experiences that are entirely foreign to us, which leads us to believe that others are more similar to us than they might actually be.
Are We Really That Different?
There are numerous reasons to suspect that others’ experiences might be more different from ours than we think. For example:
- Some individuals have vivid mental imagery, while others can’t visualize anything at all. Research by Francis Galton in the late 1800s highlighted significant variations in this ability, leading to a heated debate on whether “visual imagination” was just a metaphor or a legitimate phenomenon.
- Color blindness can exist for years without one’s knowledge. You might perceive colors differently than most people, and be oblivious to it until tested.
- It’s possible to lack a sense of smell while being unaware that others are experiencing something entirely different. A fascinating account on Quora illustrates this: “All my actions suggested I had a sense of smell. For years, I didn’t know what I was missing—I thought my experience was universal.”
- While many of us can’t fathom life without sexual attraction, surveys indicate that about 1% of the population identifies as asexual, having no sexual feelings at all.
The Pitfalls of Misunderstanding
Although our ability to empathize by imagining ourselves in someone else’s situation is a handy skill, it can backfire. This misjudgment is often seen in ADHD scenarios—when someone with ADHD struggles to accomplish tasks, we might mistakenly equate their experience with our own feelings of laziness on a rough day. This can prevent us from recognizing that their struggles might be significantly more profound than typical procrastination.
I’ve been fortunate enough never to experience severe depression. For a long time, I thought it was merely an amplified version of the sadness I’ve felt. But after reading a poignant blog post from Hyperbole and a Half, I realized depression isn’t just sadness; it’s a void where joy used to reside. If you’ve never felt the emptiness of losing the ability to enjoy things that once excited you, it’s tough to fathom what depression truly is. Understanding this concept deepened my grasp of the issue.
Misunderstandings don’t just apply to mental health; they can cloud our everyday interactions too. For instance, if Bob takes offense at something Anna says, she might find it baffling since she can’t imagine why her comment would upset him. She may then conclude that Bob is being unreasonable, leading to a conflict. Alternatively, if Anna feels that Bob is emotionally distant, she might assume he doesn’t like her, when in reality, he simply struggles with vulnerability. Many disputes could be resolved more easily if we considered the possibility that others might be having entirely different experiences.
Enhancing Our Connections
Former U.S. defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld made a distinction between “known unknowns” (things we know we don’t know) and “unknown unknowns” (things we don’t know we don’t know), the latter being far more challenging to navigate.
In our quest to understand others, we often encounter countless unknown unknowns. Since it’s nearly impossible to envision an experience you haven’t lived, it’s crucial to remind ourselves that others may have motivations and feelings beyond our comprehension.
So, the next time you catch yourself judging someone or making assumptions about their feelings, pause and ask: Could they be experiencing something entirely different? Or even better, why not just ask them? If you’re curious to learn more about discussing feelings or navigating relationships, check out this helpful resource on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Understanding others can be challenging, particularly when we rely on our own experiences to empathize. Our unique perspectives can lead to misunderstandings and assumptions that may not reflect the reality of someone else’s situation. Recognizing that others may have vastly different internal experiences can enhance our empathy and improve our relationships. By being open to learning about others’ feelings and thoughts, we can foster deeper connections.