Menu: Parenting
Some Like It Just Right by Jamie Lane
Updated: August 4, 2021
Originally Published: November 3, 2014
From the imperfect meritocracy to those $200 jeans your folks didn’t buy you, childhood often sends us a clear message: your value is tied to your performance. Messing up on a test might cost you a grade; sporting knockoff jeans could lead to a dip in your social status. After facing too many setbacks, a budding perfectionist might throw their hands up and decide that effort isn’t worth it. After all, trying seems to only highlight your flaws, and you can’t help but think everyone is watching. So, you tell yourself you’ll try again later—only to put it off, and then put it off some more. Before you know it, you’ve become a full-blown procrastinator.
When you hold back from trying due to fear of being exposed as “not good enough,” you resign yourself to a perception you assume others have of you. You get caught in a subjective belief that’s hard to escape. The fear isn’t just about not meeting other people’s high expectations; it’s more about the dread of revealing your imperfect self, complete with its human flaws.
On the flip side, if you’re always winning, sitting atop the social ladder, it’s easy to believe your status reflects your true worth. You scramble to maintain that position, worried that any slip might cause your value to plummet.
These are just a few of the countless messages we absorb as kids. Too often, we carry these childhood beliefs into adulthood, forcing the world to fit outdated and distorted templates. Chasing an impossible ideal through relentless striving, or holding back from trying because you fear your best won’t be enough, is a trap disguised as perfectionism.
We all know perfection doesn’t exist. Yet, whether we procrastinate or relentlessly pursue goals, the underlying drive is the same: the desire to be “right.” Over time, this motivation evolves into a sense of purpose, creating an imbalance in our lives—a bit like a patch of sun-bleached carpet that needs flipping. The perfectionist tends to focus on the end goal, yet often finds themselves stuck in the cycle of effort. Much of this effort is tangled up in old fears, and eventually, we notice how these fears hinder our progress. We observe others’ achievements and realize we haven’t moved an inch in years. So, how do we break free from this perfectionism?
It starts with re-evaluating how we measure our self-worth. When we base our value on external achievements, we’re actually valuing what others think instead of recognizing our internal worth. Ask yourself: What are your core values? What kind of friend do you aspire to be? What type of partner, sibling, or parent do you want to be? Do you listen, or do you just offer solutions? Jot it down. Are you empathetic? Supportive? Patient? These personal beliefs might not align with your perfectionistic tendencies because perfectionism isn’t really a core value—it’s an unattainable ideal imposed by others. The truth is, you didn’t come up with this notion of perfection all on your own; others taught you.
Mistakes are a part of life; yet, some people are so paralyzed by the fear of failure that they never share their blunders, doing a disservice to themselves and others. It takes tremendous courage to admit uncertainty or to acknowledge a mistake. Such admissions allow for growth and movement. However, if you’re too afraid to be vulnerable, you risk stagnation, watching others race ahead while you remain stuck in self-doubt.
If you grapple with perfectionism, you’re likely lacking perspective. Here are 11 ways to gain that perspective and combat a fear that doesn’t deserve your attention:
- Embrace Mistakes
There’s a fine line between feeling let down by a mistake and avoiding attempts altogether out of fear. One leads to progress, while the other halts your growth. - Those Critical Voices? They’re Not Yours
They’ve been borrowed from others. Recognize where they originated, and you may find the strength to let them go. - Get Comfortable with Discomfort
Much of perfectionism stems from dodging discomfort. Instead of avoiding feelings of inadequacy, learn to sit with them and distinguish between real fears and actual feelings. - Feelings Aren’t Facts
Just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean it’s true. Feelings might be real, but they don’t always reflect reality. - Perfection is a Myth
Claims of perfection are often just expressions of personal taste. Remember, one person’s flaw might be another’s gem. - Stop Anticipating Outcomes
Instead of fixating on results, relish the journey. Enjoy the process rather than stressing over what’s to come. - Examine Your Standards for Others
Are they fair? Are they the same standards you apply to yourself? Reflect on how you respond when someone doesn’t meet those standards. - Fast Forward
Picture yourself at the end of your life. Will the pressure you feel now over this task really matter then? Likely not. - Face Your Fears Gradually
Expose yourself to your fears bit by bit. As you confront them, you’ll realize they often hold less power than you imagined. - Understand Your Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a preemptive defense against judgment. It’s exhausting to live this way, as it involves avoiding your true self. - Celebrate Your Mistakes
Reward yourself for the blunders you make; they’re essential for growth. And if you feel you don’t deserve that reward, send it my way—I love free stuff!
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Summary: Perfectionism often stems from childhood beliefs about self-worth and societal expectations. To combat it, we must learn to embrace mistakes, recognize borrowed critical voices, and evaluate our standards for ourselves and others. By reframing how we view discomfort and shifting our focus from outcomes to the journey itself, we can find relief from the pressures of perfectionism.