Updated: Aug. 13, 2015
Originally Published: Sep. 10, 2014
This morning, I lost my patience. In a moment of utter chaos, I found myself whisper-yelling, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE?!” I didn’t intend for it to happen. As soon as the words flew out, guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. The worst part? My once serene morning had spiraled into a frenzy.
Let’s rewind just 15 minutes. The kids were zooming around the living room like tiny tornadoes. The smell of burnt toast lingered in the air, and the coffee machine had just let out its triumphant ding! Meanwhile, my partner and I were trying to navigate the small kitchen space, desperately reaching for half-and-half, coffee mugs, and spoons without tripping over each other.
Before anyone could interject, I declared with authority that I was heading to the bathroom. I used my best Mom Voice paired with the I-Just-Woke-Up-Don’t-Mess-With-Me Glare to ensure everyone knew I was off-limits. Then, I made a beeline for the bathroom, ready for a moment of peace.
Once inside, I closed the door, took a long sip of steaming coffee, and sighed in relief. At that moment, I was in my little oasis known as The Bathroom, where civilized people understand not to barge in unannounced. But this is not a civilized home.
As I peeled off my yoga pants and searched for my favorite towel, I was blissfully sipping my coffee like a wild mom who knows hot coffee is worth its weight in gold. Not two minutes into my escape, I spotted tiny fingers frantically stretching beneath the door. Small voices erupted, asking an endless stream of questions as I tried to maintain my silence. Maybe if I keep quiet, they won’t know I’m here?
“Mommy? Are you peeing?…Are you pooooping?! (laughter)
Mom?
MOM?…MOOOMMMMMM! What are you doing in there?!”
Honestly, I was hiding. I was seeking a moment of solitude in a chaotic morning. I pondered the universe and why moms can’t enjoy a moment of peace when it comes to basic hygiene.
It hit me: my family must think I’m up to some wild antics whenever I’m alone in the bathroom. Perhaps they imagine that I’m:
- Being abducted.
- Receiving top-secret mission orders from my decoder ring.
- In the clutches of a dinosaur.
- Indulging in all the chocolate with zero intention of sharing.
- Stuck in the toilet.
- Plotting elaborate timeouts.
- Hiding the remote.
- Making my escape.
- Receiving status updates from Santa and the Tooth Fairy.
- On an urgent phone call and thus must be interrupted.
- Communicating with the Mother Ship.
- Checking if their toothbrushes were used.
- Planning my revenge on everyone.
- Flushing race cars down the toilet.
- Transforming the shower into an oversized squirt gun.
- Learning French from an octopus.
- Concealing all the things.
So there I was, book in hand, coffee in mouth, and happily taking care of business. I was daydreaming about washing my hair with fragrant shampoo when suddenly, the door swung open.
In waltzed my partner, announcing, “Hey, Honey, have you seen my blankety-blank-blank?!” That was quickly followed by two little bodies charging through the door.
One child wanted a hug, while the other bombarded me with a barrage of questions about why I was sitting down to pee, why I was drinking coffee in the bathroom, and why my hair was tied back—did I know it made me look like a bear?
That’s when it struck me: this was the last time I’d ever have a moment alone in the bathroom. I surrendered to the universal truth that moms simply cannot catch a break when it comes to bathroom time.
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In summary, motherhood is filled with unpredictable moments, especially when it comes to finding a moment of solitude. Whether it’s the chaos of morning routines or the challenges of self-care, embracing the chaos is part of the journey.