Updated: June 21, 2018
Originally Published: August 29, 2014
As a mom of an only child, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked when I’m planning to have another. My daughter just turned four, and people remind me that if I wait too long, there will be a huge age gap or that my uterus may dry up like a raisin in the sun. If I’m going to expand our family, I better start making some noise—like, now.
But here’s the thing: I don’t want more kids.
When I tell folks I’m “one and done,” their expressions often resemble someone who just witnessed a kitten being mistreated. “Don’t you want your child to have a sibling?” “Isn’t she lonely?” And the classic, “It’s way easier with two because they can play together.” I’ve thought about all those points—believe me, I have. Siblings can be fantastic. I have a brother who was my hero growing up; he was like a real-life superhero. We spent hours playing together while my parents enjoyed some much-needed peace. Sometimes, when I see siblings hugging or goofing off, I feel a twinge of sadness that my daughter won’t have that connection. Sure, by not having another child, I might be denying her a unique part of childhood, but that alone isn’t enough to sway my decision.
Is that selfish? Perhaps, but not entirely.
Every parent has their unique style shaped by their own upbringing. My parents both worked, so I was a latchkey kid who often found myself alone. My brother was three years older and, as he grew up, he preferred hanging out with friends or playing video games behind closed doors. I had a sibling, but he wasn’t there to be my playmate, and my parents were busy with their jobs. I was surrounded by people but still felt a bit isolated.
When my daughter was born, I was determined to be present for her in a way I never experienced. I’m not the overprotective type who hovers like a drone, but I’ve fully embraced our journey together as a one-child family. This is my only chance to be a mom, so I’ve made choices I wouldn’t have otherwise considered. We co-sleep, I breastfed until she was three, and I carve out dedicated time for her each day. I can be the kind of parent my own couldn’t be, simply because I’m not juggling another child.
While my daughter might miss out on the closeness of having a sibling, she shares a unique bond with her parents. Some argue that being the sole focus of mom and dad makes only children spoiled, but I’ve seen the opposite in my daughter. She radiates confidence and security, knowing she doesn’t have to compete for attention, toys, or, most importantly, love. From early on, she understood the concept of sharing, knowing her friends would eventually leave, and everything would be hers again. This understanding has made her more patient and generous than many of her peers with siblings.
Having just one child has allowed me to seamlessly integrate her into my life rather than relying on childcare. There’s a freedom that comes with raising only one kid. We enjoy a lot of quality time together because she tags along while I teach classes, attend meetings, or socialize. Her exposure to the adult world has significantly boosted her intellectual development, and her verbal skills are impressive for her age, thanks to our interactions.
There’s a unique happiness that comes from a small family, just as there is in larger ones. Recently, my daughter asked when I was going to have another baby so she could have a sister. My heart skipped a beat as I explained that wasn’t in the cards for us. She looked at me and asked the inevitable question, “Why?” I took a deep breath, ready for the moment. “Well, I’m happy with how things are right now. I love my life with you just the way it is. Is it okay that I don’t want to have another baby?” After a moment of contemplation, she hugged me tightly and said, “Yes, Mommy, that’s okay. I’m really happy too.”
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In conclusion, my journey as a parent of an only child has been fulfilling. While I may have moments of doubt, I embrace the life we’ve built together and wouldn’t change it for the world.