Ah, pregnancy. You spend nine months fretting over things like hemorrhoids and constipation. Then there’s the anxiety of whether or not you’ll have a bowel movement on the delivery table, potentially embarrassing yourself in front of the medical team. (Trust me, it happened to me. Twice. “And the poop was shaped like a star,” my partner loves to remind me, with a mix of fascination and horror.)
Once you’ve navigated these challenges, you breathe a sigh of relief. With that massive baby no longer pressing on your intestines, surely your poop problems are over, right? Wrong.
I hate to break it to you, but you’re in for some less-than-pleasant surprises. Brace yourself for your first post-baby bowel movement—it’s a doozy. While everyone seems eager to chat about recovery down below, the whole subject of your backside remains a taboo topic. It’s like the Cinderella of bodily functions—overlooked and shunned.
After childbirth, your vagina gets all the TLC—rest and recovery are the orders of the day. No tampons or sex are allowed, while your poor rectal area gets no such pampering. Once that cord is cut, your body is expected to perform without any “be gentle with your behind” advice.
The inaugural poop post-delivery can range from “mildly uncomfortable” to “oh my gosh, am I birthing a twin?” Unfortunately, I didn’t have this knowledge going in. After my first child, I was blindsided—so much so that I found myself in a world of constipation.
The delivery had left me in quite the state, and my doctor advised against returning for my eight-week checkup. “This will take at least ten weeks to heal,” he said. Naturally, the thought of using the bathroom filled me with dread. Just thinking about it caused me to sweat. I mean, even peeing was a challenge! The very same muscles that help you avoid unwanted accidents are also the ones you need to push for a successful poop. The idea of straining made me break out in a cold sweat, and—surprise!—it only made me more constipated.
I tried to get things moving, but my body was having none of it. It was like trying to coax a child into a pool—they might dip a toe in, but actually jumping in? Forget about it.
However, there comes a time when you must face the inevitable. It had been a week since the baby’s arrival, and I knew I had to get things moving. After handing the baby over to my mother-in-law, I steeled myself for battle with the toilet. It loomed before me like an ominous throne. Taking a deep breath, I prepared to face my new adversary.
I had attempted to prepare by drinking copious amounts of water and taking stool softeners and laxatives, hoping for a smooth experience. I thought if I did enough, I might have a pleasant surprise—like soft-serve ice cream. But, oh, was I mistaken! The lesson learned? Do all that before you hold it in for a week. Ask for stool softeners right after giving birth. The longer you delay, the more difficult it will be.
Many hospitals claim you can’t leave until you’ve had a bowel movement, but from my experience, that’s more of a guideline than a hard rule. They aren’t going to keep you locked up until you produce evidence of your digestive success. However, it’s wise to stick around, especially if that first poop turns out to be a challenge. You want the medical team there to assist you rather than end up like me—sweating and straining to push out a lump that felt like it could birth its own child.
Eventually, after what felt like an eternity, I emerged from the bathroom victorious but bow-legged. Right then and there, I vowed to never have more children. But like many a college promise, that resolution faded once the immediate pain subsided. I’ve since had three more kids, each with their own postpartum poop experiences, but thanks to my first lesson, none have been nearly as torturous.
So, while other new moms coo over their little ones, you’ll find me checking fingers and toes before discreetly asking the nurse for Ex-Lax. For more information on handling postpartum challenges, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination. And remember, if you’re looking for an effective home insemination kit, you can find it here as well.
In summary, the postpartum journey doesn’t just end with a beautiful baby. Be prepared for some surprises in the bathroom, and don’t hesitate to seek help when you need it. You’re not alone in this!