There I was, trapped in a metal tube hurtling through the sky, and the guy next to me was emitting a scent that could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon. I couldn’t quite place what his cologne was, but honestly, does it matter? If a fragrance is strong enough to waft over to someone sitting three seats away, it shouldn’t even have a name.
I toyed with the idea of confronting him. What could I possibly say? It dawned on me that there were no magic words for this situation. Anyone who willingly enters a cramped, crowded space and decides to bombard everyone within a ten-foot radius with their olfactory choice must be out of their mind. Perhaps their insanity is subtle—friends and family might even be oblivious. But let’s face it: a person who douses themselves in cologne is likely a bit of a control freak, or worse, a sadist.
I kept glancing at the back of his head, trying to decipher the reasoning behind his morning decision to drench himself in such a potent concoction before venturing into public. I even considered making T-shirts that read: “COLOGNE RUINS MY AIRSPACE” or “IF YOU’RE WEARING COLOGNE, PLEASE KEEP YOUR DISTANCE—STARTING WITH ME.” Maybe something more straightforward, like a simple “NO COLOGNE” with a red circle and line through it.
The cologne industry is no small fry. According to the NPD Group, it raked in nearly a billion dollars in 2013. Shockingly, 72% of adult men who wear fragrances started spritzing at 17 or younger. So, while it may be a while before we can legally ban cologne (not to be confused with Outlaw Cologne, of course), a cologne awareness campaign might be a good start in schools.
On a brighter note, 37% of American men skip the cologne altogether. If you happen to be one of them, please spread the word to your cologne-wearing friends, brothers, and dads: their fragrant choices are giving a lot of people headaches and might even suggest a touch of sociopathy. Just know, I’d love to sit behind you on a plane, share an elevator, or stroll by you on a warm day.
By the way, if you’re interested in learning more about home insemination, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy here. And for some great tips on creating your own at-home insemination kit, take a look here.
In summary, the worst person to sit next to on a plane is undeniably the heavy cologne wearer. While there’s no easy solution for this fragrant dilemma, awareness and education may be key.