I recently stumbled across several articles titled “5 Ways to Impress Your Partner,” and honestly, they made me chuckle more than inspire me. Here’s how those suggestions might play out in my home:
Suggestion #1: Welcome him at the door in an apron and stilettos when he gets home from work.
Reality Check: After getting the kids to sleep early, I grab the only apron available, which humorously declares, “I’m not aging; I’m marinating.” As for the stilettos? It’s been ages since I’ve worn those, so I’m now on all fours rummaging through boxes in the basement. Just then, my four-year-old pops out of bed to exclaim, “Eww! Mom’s booty!” Fast forward, and my husband arrives to find his “marinating” spouse asleep on the couch, a bag of chips on her chest, and one navy blue and one black heel mismatched on the floor.
Suggestion #2: Surprise him at work wearing only a trench coat and high heels.
Reality Check: The babysitter and our elderly neighbor give me puzzled looks as I leave the house looking like Inspector Gadget in July. Meanwhile, the kids are clamoring, “Can we dress up like Perry the Platypus?” When I finally arrive at my husband’s office, the security guard insists on checking my bag before giving me a visitor pass. My cheeks are flaming red as I make a hasty retreat back to the minivan.
Suggestion #3: Send a flirty selfie, bonus points for nudity.
Reality Check: After Googling “should I send a sexy text?” I find myself locked in the bathroom, trying to perfect cute poses while ignoring the persistent knocking from the kids outside. I almost slip on a puddle of… well, you can guess. In the end, I decide to leave my face out of it. Hours later, my husband responds to my daring photo with, “Did Jamie get another spider bite? Looks bad this time.”
Suggestion #4: Sit on his lap, gaze lovingly into his eyes, and declare him your hero.
Reality Check: As I try to settle onto his lap, he keeps scooting over on the couch. Finally, I announce, “I’m trying to sit on your lap.” He responds, “Why? We’ve got a whole couch!” Our two-year-old seizes the opportunity and plops down on his lap, followed by our other kids squeezing in beside us. I lean over and whisper, “You’re my hero,” into his ear, but he simply scratches his head and says, “Huh?” before switching Netflix to a cartoon.
Suggestion #5: Book a table at his favorite restaurant and whisper halfway through dinner that you’re not wearing any underwear.
Reality Check: His “favorite” place comes down to a $3 pizza joint or the fast-food spot with a play area. After the salad, I lean in and whisper, “I’m not wearing any undies.” He grins and says, “You’ve got spinach in your teeth! Oh, are we out of clean laundry?” After two glasses of wine, we’re both ready to crash, and by the time we get home, I’m already back in my comfy drawstring pajamas, back to my good ol’ booty-covering undies.
For more tips on home insemination, check out this article for some helpful insights on the journey to parenthood.
In summary, these articles may offer playful suggestions, but the reality often feels more like a comedy show than a romantic escapade. Embrace the chaos of family life and find humor in the little things!