I’m not exactly what you’d call a savvy capitalist. Don’t get me wrong; I appreciate the appeal of a good dollar bill just like anyone else drowning in student loans. But the relentless chase for profits, savings, dividends, and all those other fancy terms for cash? Well, they sound to me like the distant chime of imaginary fairy bells.
Yet, despite my lack of enthusiasm for financial gain, money has always been on my mind. Growing up without it meant we discussed it constantly. “Sorry, sweetie, no Seven Star sneakers in pink; we can barely cover the rent.” Or, “We don’t have health insurance, so unless you’re truly sick, a doctor’s visit is off the table.” And let’s not forget the classic, “If you don’t gather the funds by Friday, graduation is out of the question.”
While being broke can be overwhelmingly frustrating, it somehow feels like a badge of honor. There’s a certain pride in knowing you’ve survived without, and you start to think that those who do have money are just spoiled and out of touch. You see, you understand the struggle, while they do not.
A Hidden Topic
Fast forward to my high school years, where I found myself at a prestigious boarding school in Connecticut, surrounded by folks with serious wealth—think family names you’d recognize. To my surprise, those with money rarely spoke about it. It was as if they had a secret agreement with the leprechauns guarding their pots of gold: never mention it, or risk losing access to their luxurious vacations in places like Gstaad.
Now, as an adult with my partner, we’ve achieved a level of financial stability I once thought impossible (our household income just manages to stay ahead of our debts). Ironically, I still find that discussions about money are virtually nonexistent. Instead, we chat about everything else under the sun.
So, let’s take a moment to reflect: Do you know the incomes of your five closest friends? Your family members? Your parents? Why is this information so taboo? Why don’t we discuss it as openly as we chat about the latest season of our favorite show or our thoughts on climate change? I’ve shared intimate details about childbirth with strangers, yet I’ve only confided my salary to about three people—including my husband and accountant.
I have a rough idea of who in my circle is raking in the big bucks, but for the rest? Your guess is as good as mine. I can’t tell who’s truly able to enjoy those lavish vacations versus who’s simply racking up debt for years. Yet, I can recount all the juicy details about personal struggles, like family issues and relationship woes.
What’s Holding Us Back?
What are we so afraid of? Judgement? Embarrassment? Is that really how we measure one another’s worth?
There’s definitely a case for keeping financial matters close to the chest. For instance, if we’re discussing housing options and I find out later that you’ve got a trust fund large enough to finance private schools for ten kids, my perspective on our conversation changes dramatically. I’d much rather discuss artisanal cheese at that point.
But in reality, most of us have friends both above and below us on the financial scale. If we all wore name tags displaying our net worth, we’d likely feel both rich and poor within the same hour.
Growing up with constant reminders of our financial struggles didn’t equip me with the know-how to earn or save. I was never told that wanting money was acceptable. That silence is deafening and harmful. (And just so you know, a 19 percent APR on a credit card? Yeah, that’s not good.)
That’s why we need to start talking about money. Other people might have valuable lessons to share, and understanding their financial relationship could provide insight into our own.
Sharing the Knowledge
Consider this: I met my partner through mutual friends. I choose doctors and mortgage brokers based on recommendations from people I trust. When I faced new-parent anxiety, I turned to friends and family. I’m even penning this essay thanks to a friend’s nudge!
So, who better to guide us through the maze of money than those we already trust? Sharing our financial experiences can deepen our connections. Money is at the core of so many aspects of our lives—earning, spending, saving, worrying, fighting over, and hoping for it. Yet, we treat it like a shameful secret, stressing over it in silence.
When we avoid discussing incomes, lifestyle choices, and the pressures they create, are we truly being honest with ourselves? Money isn’t just a practical matter; it’s woven into our values, beliefs, and even societal issues like racism and sexism.
These conversations may not be easy, but they’re crucial. Let’s support each other. Let’s break down those walls and share our financial truths—our hopes, our mistakes, and yes, even our fantasies.
That is, right after we get back from our ski trip in Switzerland.