You might just be a parent if you can fry up some ground beef, mix a drink, and chop veggies all at once while balancing a baby on your hip and a couple of toddlers rolling around on the floor, impatiently waiting for their milk.
You can pause mid-bite to dash off and clean a tiny behind, then return to your meal as if nothing happened.
You’re capable of whipping up six dozen cookies at the last minute when your child suddenly remembers that snacks are needed for a school event—taking place tomorrow, of course.
Catching vomit in your bare hands? No problem! You’ve got that covered.
You can lay down on the couch and still have a sixth sense about what your kids are up to, even with your eyes shut.
When you take your kids out to eat, you spend more time in the restroom than actually enjoying your meal at the table.
You can answer their endless questions using references from movies.
Big boogers? They don’t faze you. You’ll pick them and wipe them on your pants, and really, who cares?
You schedule well-child visits months ahead to ensure you stay on top of appointments, yet you can’t recall the last time you made your own yearly check-up.
You can brush your teeth while simultaneously holding your three-year-old’s wiener as he pees.
You might forget your grocery list at home but can pinpoint exactly where Jimmy’s blue sparkly shoes are from two weeks ago.
Laundry? It’s a never-ending cycle, so much so that you’ve thought about converting your home into a nudist retreat.
You can juggle two different board games while keeping up with your Words With Friends matches, and you somehow manage to win them all.
Your most frequently uttered phrases are probably “Please get your finger out of your butt,” “We don’t eat boogers for lunch,” and “No, I really don’t want to smell your fart.”
Your living room decor has transformed from beer can towers and wine bottle sculptures to unexpected “art” created by your kids with materials that should probably be handled by professionals in hazmat suits.
No matter how often you clean it, your bathroom always has that lingering aroma of pee.
You can change a diaper in total darkness without leaving any evidence behind—except for that nasty smell on your hands that only bleach or maybe even amputation can eradicate.
You can stealthily navigate through a dark bedroom without stepping on a single Lego, but try it during the day and you might as well be walking through a minefield.
You’re not above bringing a glass of wine and your tablet into the bathroom, locking the door for a few precious moments of solitude—poop or no poop.
Laundry gets done because the hampers overflow, not because you need a specific shirt for a night out.
You can discuss the contents of your child’s vomit over dinner and keep munching away like you’re chatting about puppies and rainbows.
You tackle math homework—or at least give it a good shot.
Yes, you use glitter.
Most of your conversations revolve around poop, farts, burps, and boogers.
While we may not adore every aspect of parenting (I, for one, could do without the wall poop), we wouldn’t change it for anything—except maybe the mess on the walls.
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Summary
Being a parent is a wild ride filled with chaotic moments, unexpected challenges, and plenty of laughs. From multitasking in the kitchen to navigating the messes of childhood, parents have a unique way of managing it all—often with humor and resilience. Despite the craziness, there’s a lot of love and joy that makes it all worthwhile.