The Tricky Challenge of Toilet Training

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Parenting

The Tricky Challenge of Toilet Training

by Jamie Roberts

Updated: June 24, 2020

Originally Published: Aug. 22, 2014

Let’s be honest: I procrastinated when it came to potty training my little one. While my mother-in-law was practically bouncing off the walls and every parenting blog I followed was showcasing their toddlers in underwear, I took a more relaxed (read: lazy) approach. I casually asked my daughter every so often, “So, how about we ditch the diapers and give the potty a try?” The response was always a drawn-out pause followed by a cheerful, “No thanks, Mama.” And so, we continued on our merry way.

Eventually, I gave in to the idea of incentives. Each week, two bags of Skittles made their way into my shopping cart. The reward system was simple: one for a sit, two for a pee, and a handful for a poop. She was on board, filling her little Princess Potty like a champ before kindergarten orientation. So, I wasn’t a total parenting failure.

But here’s the kicker: a three-year-old simply cannot wipe herself properly. Honestly, I’m almost 37, and somehow (always in a public restroom, of course), I still find myself a wipe short of a clean finish. Expecting a toddler to master the hand-eye coordination needed for this task is like asking her to thread a needle while I shout motivational quotes in her direction.

It just wasn’t happening.

Surprisingly, she wasn’t even a fan of toilet paper, which baffled me. All the countless YouTube videos make it seem like kids adore rolling that fluffy stuff into a chaotic pile of fun. One time, when I asked her to fetch some toilet paper and crumple it up for her wipe, she carefully tore off a quarter of a square, shaped it into a tiny ball, and then proceeded to wipe her behind with it. [Translation: she lost it in the abyss and used her whole hand to transfer mess from point A(ss) to point B(are hands). ] I’ll admit it—I gagged, then burst into laughter. Who has the solution to this conundrum? I longed for the simpler days of wrapping up a clean diaper to toss into the diaper genie. Now, though, I found myself facing a new set of challenges:

  1. Sitting with her while she swings her legs, asks about my day, and then adopts that dramatic poo face as her cheeks turn pink.
  2. Leaning over the toilet to wipe her clean while praying for the best.
  3. Helping her flush while simultaneously dousing the toilet with bleach because her poop is now the size of a small boulder, sticking to the bowl like a reminder of her questionable diet (which I also partially contributed to, ugh).
  4. Opening the footstool for her (after last week’s pinch incidents left her with tiny bruises) so she can reach the sink.
  5. Stepping out for her “privacy.”
  6. Checking back to ensure she’s not playing with my belongings. (Hi, I’m four.)
  7. Coming back to adjust the water temperature.
  8. Peeking in again to confirm she’s not touching my stuff.
  9. Assisting her with the soap, making sure both hands get an equal amount because math is crucial when you’re three.
  10. Turning off the stove to dash down the hall when she’s still “washing her hands” six minutes later, only to find her grinning at me from the mirror, water joyfully cascading off the counter and onto her toes.

So, next week, I’m going radical: she’s going back into diapers. It’s part of my innovative parenting strategy I’m dubbing Reverse Tiger Helicopter. When I write my book about it (tentatively titled Wipe Out!), I’ll become so successful that by the time she starts school, she can hire her own butt wiper.

It’s a lofty aspiration, but remember, every great dream starts somewhere!

This article was originally published on Aug. 22, 2014.

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Summary

Toilet training can be a comedic adventure filled with unexpected challenges. As parents navigate the joys and frustrations of this transition, they often find themselves reminiscing about the simpler days of diaper changes. With a playful tone and relatable anecdotes, this piece captures the chaotic yet endearing moments of potty training.

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