Updated: Feb. 12, 2021
Originally Published: Aug. 14, 2014
Let’s get straight to the point: I allowed my baby to cry. No sugarcoating it with terms like “Sleep Training” or getting fancy with “CIO.” I let her cry so she could learn to fall asleep independently. It was an agonizing decision, perhaps the toughest thing I’ve faced as a mom, but ultimately it was crucial.
One chilly December evening, with my partner away on business, my mom stepped in to help her exhausted daughter take care of her equally exhausted granddaughter. And I mean really exhausted—think not just the usual baby sleep deprivation, but the kind that comes with the infamous 4-month sleep regression (seriously, my heart races just thinking about it). I desperately needed support.
Little Mia wasn’t sleeping at all. Each night stretched into a two-hour saga of trying to get her to doze off. She’d drift off while nursing, and I’d gently lay her in her crib, only for her to wake up startled, forcing us to start the whole exhausting process again. Once I managed to get her to sleep, she’d wake up every hour or so. It was brutal.
Both Mia and I were in dire need of rest, and it just wasn’t happening. So, I made the decision to teach her how to soothe herself to sleep. I knew it would be tough, but I compared it to taking her to the doctor for vaccinations—she would cry (I’d cry too), but it was something that had to be done. It was time to take off the training wheels and let my girl learn.
On the first night, Mia cried for 25 minutes. Meanwhile, I was sobbing in the shower, convinced I was the worst mother ever for abandoning her. My mom reassured me, reminding me that Mia wasn’t hungry or in any discomfort—she was safe and sound. Right. But she just wanted her mama. That realization shattered my heart into a thousand tiny pieces.
Just when I thought I couldn’t endure another moment, my little girl fell silent. She fell asleep. But instead of feeling relief, guilt washed over me. I was convinced that I had somehow damaged her emotionally and that our bond would never recover. The tears kept flowing.
After a night of tossing and turning (I didn’t get any sleep; she did), I rushed to her crib the moment she woke up. I just wanted to scoop her up and apologize profusely, reminding her of my endless love.
When I stepped into her nursery, there she was—smiling. Happy. How could she be happy after all that? Wasn’t she mad at me? Nope. She was just content. And well-rested.
Each subsequent night got progressively easier, with the crying lessening. Knowing we’d have to face that first night again fueled me through the tougher moments. My mom stayed by my side, monitoring the baby monitor while I shed tears. But every morning, Mia greeted me with a smile.
Yes, we still have our challenging nights, and naps aren’t always perfect, but Mia is now a much better sleeper and a happier baby overall.
Five Reasons I Chose to Let My Baby Cry
- We Needed Sleep: It’s a no-brainer, right? But as mothers, we often prioritize our babies over our own needs. Sure, I could survive on little sleep, but my baby needed quality rest too. She was cranky and overtired, and the only remedy was good sleep.
- Co-Sleeping Didn’t Work for Us: In my desperation to help Mia sleep, I tried co-sleeping. I know some families swear by it, but it was my last resort. After an hour of rocking and soothing her, we lay down on the guest bed, but I couldn’t relax. I ended up wide awake while Mia thought it was playtime. Epic fail.
- Missing My Partner: Having a baby can shake up a marriage—especially when the baby won’t sleep! My husband became more of a roommate as I spent my nights trying to soothe Mia. Gone were our cozy dinners and snuggles on the couch. I was too busy Googling solutions instead of enjoying our time together.
- I Needed to Reclaim Myself: As much as I adored spending every second with my baby, I also craved some “me” time. On those particularly tough days, I’d count down to bath time, knowing a glass of wine and a new episode of my favorite show awaited me. It’s my time to unwind, knowing Mia is peacefully sleeping.
- It Was the Best Choice for Us: I know this topic can stir up controversy. Some moms understand completely, while others might judge me as selfish or cruel. But in the end, allowing Mia to learn how to fall asleep independently worked for us. She was ready for it, and deep down, I knew that.
As new moms, we constantly hear conflicting advice on the “right” way to do things, especially when it comes to sleep. Everyone has their own story, claiming theirs is the best approach. But what ultimately worked for me was tuning out the noise, trusting my instincts, and listening to the true expert—my baby girl.
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In summary, while allowing my baby to cry was a tough choice, it ultimately led to better sleep for both of us. Each family needs to find what works best for them—trust your instincts, and remember, you’re not alone in this journey.