It happened again. As I sat down for dinner with my little ones, I noticed my daughter’s hand wandering beneath her dress.
“Hey, we don’t play with our vulvas at the table! Go wash your hands and finish your food,” I gently reminded her. She nodded, dashed off to clean up, and returned to her meal with a renewed focus.
Little ones have a natural curiosity about their bodies. They touch themselves frequently, exploring with an innocent wonder. Their bodies are fascinating to them, and there’s no shame or embarrassment attached. It’s simply a fact of life—bodies do amazing things, and they haven’t yet experienced the aches and pains of adulthood.
The first time I saw one of my kids engaging in this behavior, I froze, unsure of how to respond. I knew shouting “No!” wouldn’t help. It would only lead to fear and confusion about their bodies. Instead, after a couple of days of reflection, I found my words.
“Sweetie, we don’t play with our vulvas in the living room,” I explained, feeling a bit silly saying it out loud but knowing it was important. “It’s perfectly okay to touch your vulva, but it’s a private matter. The bathroom or your bedroom is where you can do that.” She smiled and complied, understanding the idea of designated spaces.
Thus, our new family mantra emerged: “We don’t eat in the bathroom and we don’t play with our vulvas in the living room.” Eventually, it evolved to, “We don’t touch our vulvas at the table.”
I consider myself “sex-positive,” which doesn’t mean I discuss the joys of intimacy with my four-year-olds. It simply means I present the truth about their bodies and sex without the embellishments or falsehoods.
As parents, we often tell little white lies—about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or how long a minute really is. But I refuse to lie about sex. I want my kids to grow up confident in their bodies, without shame or confusion. I don’t sugarcoat human reproduction with fairy tales; I make a point to be honest about it all.
We often discuss where babies come from, sharing insights from books like Where Did I Come From? and What Makes A Baby, which cover the topic thoroughly. We can address IVF, C-sections, and even the reality that yes, Mom and Dad still have sex. When the time comes, we’ll also talk about contraception.
Lying about sex doesn’t do anyone any favors. When kids are told that sex is “only for mommies and daddies,” it can lead to confusion as teenagers. This can create a dangerous mix-up of love, lust, and obligation.
The reality is, most people enjoy sex; it’s a natural part of life. It’s not mystical just because it’s sex. You can have great experiences with someone you just met. But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
That’s the essence of sex-positive parenting: sharing the truth with kids so they can make informed choices. It’s about teaching them that while sex is enjoyable, it can also come with risks. They should learn about safety measures like condoms and understand that they can experience pleasure on their own, just not at the table.
Sex combined with love can be wonderful, but it’s not always that way, even with someone you care about. It’s important for them to grasp that sex can lead to pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, which is a commitment they need to be ready for.
I want my children to understand that having sexual feelings is completely normal and not something to feel guilty about. It’s crucial to equip them with the knowledge to make smart and responsible decisions when the time comes.
Sex education often falls into black-and-white thinking. Some believe that if children aren’t scared of sex, they’ll engage in it recklessly. However, abstinence-only education has shown poor results, leading to rising teen pregnancy rates.
Being honest about sex doesn’t mean giving kids permission to engage in it; the only authority over their choices should be themselves.
When I remind my kids, “We don’t touch our vulvas at the table,” it’s teaching them about consent and appropriate behavior. It’s foundational, preparing them for tougher conversations about consent, healthy relationships, and the complexities of intimacy.
One day, we’ll have deeper discussions about issues like consent, healthy sexuality, and the realities of relationships. I know those talks might not be easy, but I feel ready because I’ve laid the groundwork.
“We don’t touch our vulvas at the table” might sound silly, but it encapsulates essential lessons about boundaries and respect. When the time comes for more serious discussions, I want my kids to know I’m in their corner, supporting them no matter what choices they make.
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In summary, teaching children about their bodies and sexual health should be approached with honesty and openness. By doing so, we equip them with the tools they need to navigate their own choices confidently and safely.