You know those “WWJD?” bumper stickers that ask you to ponder “What would Jesus do?” in your daily life decisions? Some have even adapted this to “What would Oprah do?” But as new parents, many of us often find ourselves thinking, “What would Mom do?” as we embark on the exhilarating, terrifying, and rewarding journey of raising tiny humans. We reflect on how our mothers navigated everything from handling skinned knees to broken hearts, answering endless questions about bedtime and vegetables, and addressing the more challenging topics like the birds and the bees, personal boundaries, and loss.
I’m no exception to this reflection. I frequently ask myself, “What would my mother do?” in various parenting situations. However, here’s the twist: I tend to do the exact opposite.
Instead of mirroring my mother’s approach, I have intentionally steered clear of it. My childhood home was often a place of anxiety—like walking on eggshells on hardwood floors. Although “I love you” was said frequently, it felt more like a conditional phrase wrapped in an air of loneliness. My mother once told me, “I love you because I gave birth to you, but that doesn’t mean I like you,” while I was still in elementary school. My father even informed me on my fourteenth birthday that, “I love your mother more than I love you—she was my choice; you just happened.”
As a child, I endured long hours alone in my room with no explanation, simply told that she “couldn’t stand” me anymore. And when I came home from school hurt after a fight with a friend, her first question was always, “What did you do wrong?” If I was sick, it was a major inconvenience to her, and I was sent back to my room, not allowed to watch TV because “if you’re too sick for school, you’re too sick for TV.”
I believed it all. I thought it was my fault that my mother didn’t like me, that I was a “bad girl,” and an inconvenience to others. In those moments, it never occurred to me that perhaps mothers don’t always have your best interests at heart.
However, despite my tumultuous upbringing, I did absorb some invaluable lessons about parenting. For one, I learned the importance of expressing love meaningfully. Not just as a formality at the end of phone calls or as a parting gesture at bedtime, but as a genuine sentiment—without strings attached. I regularly tell my kids that I love them for who they are, celebrating their silly, wonderful selves. I remind them that no matter what mischief they might get into—like spilling a whole bag of rice on the kitchen floor—I will always love them, no matter what.
I strive to replace the loneliness I felt with a sense of empowerment for my children. At the ages of four and five, they should feel invincible and full of possibilities, not weighed down by fear. I want them to know that my arms are always open to catch them, to hug them tight, and to provide safety after a nightmare.
Instead of shutting my kids out, I prioritize open communication. When my daughter faces a tough day at school, I approach her with curiosity—not judgment—creating a safe space for her to share her feelings and thoughts without fear of punishment. Together, we brainstorm how she can navigate challenges more effectively in the future.
Navigating parenthood without my mother has its challenges. I often find myself saying to my husband, “I want my mom. Just not my mom.” But as my father wisely pointed out years ago, we don’t choose our family. We can recognize their strengths and weaknesses and decide what we want to carry forward into our own lives.
So, perhaps the most significant question I need to ask myself more often is, “WWID?”—What would I do?
This journey is about learning, growing, and making choices that shape the kind of parent I want to be.
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Summary
The author reflects on her childhood experiences and the lessons learned from her mother about love, communication, and parenting. While she often finds herself considering what her mother would do, she chooses to take a different approach by fostering an environment of unconditional love and open dialogue with her own children, ultimately shaping her parenting style based on her insights.