At some point between the arrival of my first child and now, I’ve turned into what can only be described as a rather gross individual. The transformation was so smooth that it wasn’t until a friend without kids looked at me with sheer horror that I realized just how much I’ve changed. Here’s a glimpse into my new, less-than-glamorous life:
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Chocolate or…what?
Before kids: A brown smudge was definitely chocolate, and I would have licked it off without thinking twice.
After kids: That same mark? It could very well be pooh. And my first instinct? To sniff it for confirmation. Whether it’s chocolate or something far worse, I’ll probably just let it sit for now; I’ve got better things to do. -
Booger Battles!
Before kids: Boogers were my kryptonite. I’d use multiple tissues just to handle my own nose. And if I saw someone picking theirs? I’d be out of there faster than you could say “gag reflex.”
After kids: Tissues? Only if they’re right there. Otherwise, my hand will suffice. Extracting boogers from a baby’s nose is just part of the job now. And don’t even get me started on how every black shirt seems destined to have those snotty smudges. -
Vomit Catcher
Before kids: If anyone even looked like they might throw up, I would be out of the splash zone in an instant!
After kids: If my little ones start hurling, I instinctively reach out to catch it. Why? Because it’s definitely better than cleaning up vomit from the carpet – trust me, that smell sticks around. -
Saliva Face Wash
Before kids: My sister used to terrorize me with her saliva tricks, and I swore I’d never stoop so low.
After kids: Now? I don’t think twice about using my own saliva to clean my kids’ faces. It’s practically a rite of passage, right? -
Nail Biting
Before kids: Long nails? Grab the clippers!
After kids: Seriously, do you know how fast kids’ nails grow? It feels like I’m constantly battling tiny, horror-movie claws. And yes, it’s not uncommon to find me nibbling on my baby’s nails when I can’t find the clippers. -
Sleeping in Urine
Before kids: The only time I might have slept in urine was during some wild college nights, and even then, it was unintentional.
After kids: One night, you’ll wake up to a warm, unexpected rush on your back. And when the little bedwetter says, “Sorry Mommy,” you’ll find yourself feeling guilty for losing it! -
Bath Time Shenanigans
Before kids: If I saw any kind of “accident” in the tub, I’d scrub it down immediately.
After kids: A little pee in the bath? No biggie! I’ll just plop my kid in and pretend I didn’t see that yellow halo forming. Time is of the essence, after all! -
Ice Cream Cone Prep
Before kids: Watching my mom lick my ice cream cone was torture. I mean, why not just get her own?
After kids: Now, I’m the one licking the cone to shape it perfectly for my child. It’s all about preventing a chocolate disaster, right? -
Eating Highchair Leftovers
Before kids: The thought of eating someone else’s chewed food? No way!
After kids: If my toddler isn’t interested, I’ll scarf it down myself. Waste not, want not! -
Diaper Smell Test
Before kids: I would never voluntarily inhale the aftermath of a bathroom visit.
After kids: Now? I find myself leaning in for a whiff of a poopy diaper just to confirm what I already know. Life’s little joys, I guess!
The lengths we go for our kids are undeniably gross, and I can only hope that one day they’ll experience the same transformation into a “disgusting human being.” Oh, the circle of life.
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Summary:
Becoming a parent can lead to some surprising and often gross changes in behavior and habits. From sniffing mystery stains to catching vomit, the transition into parenthood is filled with unglamorous moments that redefine normality. Embracing these changes can be a humorous part of the parenting journey.