The Parental Aptitude Test: Essential for Every High School Student

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Recently, my eldest came home with a math assignment featuring problems reminiscent of the SAT. This led me to a realization: the SATs are largely pointless and often unessential. If students excel academically in high school, they’re likely to continue that success in college. Conversely, if their high school grades are poor, their college performance will probably mirror that. The aptitude is already clear.

Instead of standardized tests, I propose we implement the Parental Aptitude Test (PAT) for high school students. Forget about the outdated methods of having teens carry around bags of flour or fake crying babies. Those reality show challenges where couples struggle to install car seats? A waste of time. Here’s my take on a more practical test to evaluate one’s parenting skills through real-life scenarios that truly matter:

1. The Diaper Dilemma: It’s not enough just to know how to put on a diaper; anyone can do that with a doll. What counts is changing a messy diaper without allowing your 2-year-old to get their hands on it. If you can navigate this task while keeping both your child and your surroundings clean, you pass.
2. The Phone Challenge: Enjoy your quiet phone calls while you can, because once kids arrive, the phone becomes a mysterious device only they can hear. To pass this section, you must complete an entire conversation while one child clings to your leg and two others engage in a full-blown wrestling match nearby.
3. The Awkward Observation: Imagine yourself in a room with various unique individuals. If your child manages to keep quiet and not point out the obvious, you earn the title of “Best Parent Ever.” If they do speak up, you must find a way to hush them without resorting to duct tape.
4. The Deli Challenge: Navigate the deli with an 18-month-old in tow, and you’ll quickly realize how tricky it can be. You’ll get a number that won’t be called for ages, and your child must stay in the cart—no fancy vehicles allowed! If you can manage this without resorting to bribery with cheese, you may skip the final challenge.
5. The Great Escape: You have ten minutes to get a 2-year-old into the car. The clock starts when they’re glued to Sesame Street. You’ll need to dress them appropriately and pack a diaper, wipes, a change of clothes, their favorite blanket, a sippy cup, two snacks, and at least three toys. The car is parked 50 yards away, and your child must walk on their own, dodging distractions like puddles and blooming tulips. Once they’re buckled in, be prepared for an immediate diaper change (refer back to problem #1).

Good luck!

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In summary, the Parental Aptitude Test offers a realistic and entertaining framework to gauge readiness for parenting. It goes beyond traditional assessments, focusing on hands-on experiences that truly matter.