Updated: Sep. 23, 2016
Originally Published: July 5, 2014
Ah, pregnancy and those early days of motherhood—what a whirlwind! Everyone seems eager to share their so-called “insightful” tips, like “soak in every moment” or “nap when the baby naps.” Right. As if that’s going to solve anything! If there’s one piece of advice I wish someone had shared with me, it’s this: Avoid becoming the mother who thinks she knows best.
I can see you, the Overly Involved New Mom. Trust me, I was once in your shoes—reading every book, Googling every question, and making endless lists. You think that all this knowledge will prepare you for your little one, but let me tell you, as a weary mom of five, you’re heading down the wrong path. Whether it’s one baby or five, you definitely don’t want to wear the expert hat. Here’s why:
My First Experience
Let’s rewind to when I had my first child. It was just me, my husband, and our adorable baby boy. My husband took two weeks off work to help us get settled, but I ended up doing most of the baby care because, well, I had read all the books, right? So I changed him, burped him, fed him, and made all the decisions about his little life. If my husband tried to help, I’d swoop in with “helpful” suggestions about how he was holding the baby or burping him incorrectly, and of course, if the baby started crying, I’d insist he hand him back to me.
A Typical Saturday Morning
Fast forward to last Saturday morning at our home.
The early bird wakes up (yep, me) and sets out breakfast because I’m the only one who knows the kids’ preferences for the day. I instruct the little ones on what to wear, since only I’m aware of today’s soccer schedule, despite the fact they’ve been playing for months. And I know where all their soccer gear is—shin guards, cleats, uniforms, you name it.
As we get ready to leave, I’m crouched down tying shoelaces while my husband catches up on his iPad, blissfully unaware because he’s been conditioned not to make decisions. I pass him the bag with change of clothes, lunch, and water bottles while fielding questions from the kids like a pro. “Can I do this?” “Why did he get that?” By 9 a.m., I’m exhausted from managing all the details and just want to crawl back into bed.
Then there’s the afternoon—my “downtime” filled with emails from schools, coaches, and PTA, all starting with “Just a friendly reminder!” I’m picking library hours for each kid and juggling invites to tedious birthday parties while trying to think of creative excuses to decline some. Oh, and summer is looming—better start researching camps! Meanwhile, the kids are glued to the TV, filling me with guilt, while my husband is busy downloading music on his iPod.
And when it’s time for dinner? That’s “Daddy’s job”—ordering our usual pizza. Even after six years of the same order, he still waits for me to tell him to place it and what to get, because I’ve trained him not to make any decisions about the kids.
Who Would You Rather Be?
So, who would you rather be? The 1-800 Call Center or the fun parent? I thought so! But if you’re not cautious, you might end up just like me. You might complain about it, but deep down, it’s your fault. You told your partner from the get-go that YOU would take charge, steering him away from decision-making and guiding him with your “expertise.” Now he’s mastered the art of waiting to be instructed.
So here’s the deal: STOP. Embrace the chaos! Stains, mismatched outfits, missed naps, and even the baby watching TV while Dad enjoys a beer—bring it on! Back off and let your partner navigate the messy, imperfect moments. You might even find a moment of peace and joy amidst the chaos. And when you return home, keep your criticisms to yourself when you spot spit-up on the carpet!
I’m working on changing my ways, but I must admit, it might be too late for me. I just want to save you from my pitfalls. Trust me, you’ll appreciate this advice later on.
Additional Resources
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Summary
Navigating motherhood can be overwhelming, especially when you feel the need to control every detail. Avoid falling into the trap of being the “expert” parent. Instead, embrace the chaos and let your partner contribute, allowing for fun and relaxation amidst the challenges.