I’m not the mother I always envisioned I would be.
When I was pregnant with my twins, eagerly anticipating the arrival of my little ones, I had a glorified vision of motherhood. I imagined cradling a soft newborn on each shoulder, practically feeling their sweet breaths on my neck. I pictured being the mom who always smelled like cookies and sunshine, joyfully singing in the car while tiny feet kicked away in delight. I dreamed of laughter in sunny fields, braiding their hair, and sharing secrets, all while basking in the unwavering love we would have for each other. In my mind, I was going to be the perfect mother—kind of like Marmee from Little Women, but with more stylish hair and cuter shoes.
And then, reality hit.
Every parent knows the truth: if I’m singing in the car, it’s usually a desperate attempt to drown out the sound of crying. Sunny fields? We rarely see those; my kids put up such a fight just to comb their hair that the idea of braiding it feels like a daunting task. Motherhood’s demands can wear you down. Most days, I’m too exhausted to even think about how much love we share; I’m just trying to survive. Cheerios for dinner? Why not? Skip the bath tonight? Sounds good to me!
Yet, even through the haze of exhaustion and frustration—like yesterday when I found myself teary-eyed because my kids weren’t listening—I still catch myself idealizing motherhood.
In those rare quiet moments when the kids are finally asleep (which is honestly the only time I get any peace), those bright and shining images return. As I lie in bed after a long day, I think maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I’ll wake up smelling like sunshine, and we’ll truly adore each other.
Motherhood is filled with more challenges than picnics and whispered secrets, but I believe we need to hold onto that idealization. It feels ingrained in us, and honestly, it’s what keeps us going through the grind day after day. I know my kids are not perfect, and neither am I, but sometimes, for those fleeting moments, we truly shine.
Like when I’m tucking one of the twins in for the night; after a long day, she lovingly grasps my face and showers me with kisses while giggling. I can’t help but giggle back, and in that moment, everything feels right. Or when I pull a child onto my lap to tie her shoe, and she nestles against me, saying, “I’m in my nest.” It’s heartwarming.
Even with the chaos of a messy house, gooey clothes, and my constant wish for a break, the softness of a little arm around my neck stays with me.
Some days, the weight of motherhood feels unbearable; it can be hard to catch your breath, let alone think about getting through the next hour, the next day, or the next eighteen years. You just keep trudging along because you have to, feeling like your life is one bad choice after another. It’s crucial to share these struggles with fellow parents and be honest about the challenges we face.
But we can’t forget about the dream version of motherhood either. If we don’t hold onto that ideal, who would choose to have children? We’d end up as a society of old folks wandering around in a dull world. So, even if those beautiful moments of motherhood only peek through the clouds like sunlight, I’m determined to keep searching for them. They’re there; I can feel it.
For those looking to start their journey into parenthood, don’t forget to check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination at March of Dimes, and for the best tools, visit Make a Mom. If you’re curious about more details on self-insemination, explore this blog post for additional insights.