Updated: Aug. 20, 2018
Originally Published: Jan. 30, 2014
Is it just me, or does it feel like there’s a weird competition these days to see who can pick the most cringe-worthy name for their child? Suddenly, everyone seems to be “that person” when it comes to naming their little ones. You know the type—the one who elicits eye rolls or blank stares with a name that’s supposedly “cool” yet is a jumble of letters, random punctuation, and obscure references. Trust me, you don’t want to be that person.
So, let’s avoid these naming pitfalls:
- Play with Spelling: Why would you intentionally sabotage the spelling of a classic name? We already live in a world where people struggle with basic spelling. Changing a simple name like Mark to Marq or S’mantha instead of Samantha won’t make your kid stand out; it’ll just make life more complicated. Imagine them constantly correcting people, “No, it’s Mary with four Rs,”—yes, you read that correctly.
- Invent a Confusing Pronunciation: I once heard about a girl named Le-ah. But it’s not as simple as “Lee ah.” Nope, it’s pronounced “Lee dash ah.” Yes, the dash is part of the name! Poor kid will be correcting everyone before she even hits preschool.
- Choose a Name from the Opposite Gender: While I’m all for breaking gender stereotypes, naming your daughter Maxwell (looking at you, Jessica Simpson) might leave people scratching their heads. There are better ways to foster gender neutrality than with a name that’s clearly meant for a boy.
- Stick with Nicknames: I had a friend named JD. That was it—just JD, with no full name. After years of answering, “No, it’s not short for anything,” he made up a full name: Jack Daniel. You can guess his background.
- Pick a Silly Name for No Good Reason: If you want to name your child Esmeralda Ireland because it honors family history, I can respect that. But if the name stems from a fleeting obsession with witches or a desire to visit Ireland someday, well, that’s just weird. Naming your kid after a trendy fictional character (hello, Edward Cullen) is also a no-go.
- Create a Name Just for Fun: My partner and I joked about combining our grandmothers’ names to invent “Glophia.” It was a hilarious idea, but we realized that we really didn’t have a reason to create a new name, so we abandoned it. If you can’t justify a new moniker, skip it.
The bottom line is this: You can name your child whatever you wish, but if you choose something outlandish, at least have a solid reason behind it. And don’t shy away from sharing the name if it’s unconventional. If you’re hesitant to reveal it, people might assume it’s because you know it’s not great. When someone asks about your name choice, own it. Who cares if someone thinks Maroon Marmalade is a terrible name? As long as you love it, that’s what counts. Besides, you never know when someone might point out a critical flaw—like the initials ASS for Adam Samuel Samsonite. That’s a hard pass!
Finally, remember that whatever quirky name you choose, your child will carry it for life. Consider their experience and how they might feel about it down the line. Let’s avoid naming them after fruits or colors without thinking it through.
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