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The Postpartum Struggles in My Mind
by Ava Collins
Updated: Aug. 21, 2015
Originally Published: Oct. 19, 2013
Pregnancy can be a real challenge for me. The morning sickness is relentless, the sensation of my organs being squished as the baby grows is uncomfortable, and the aches and pains of the third trimester, along with those pre-labor contractions, are nearly unbearable. Saying I eagerly anticipate the arrival of my little one is an understatement.
When I’m admitted to the hospital and asked if I experience postpartum depression, my answer is always a firm no. It’s not depression. It’s pure elation. I feel overjoyed that I’ve made it through the hardships of pregnancy and surgery, and I’m excited to finally meet the little person I’ve carried for nine months.
But while I don’t feel depressed, there’s also a complex range of emotions swirling within me. I wouldn’t label this as sadness; it’s more of a blend of fear, nostalgia, and a sense of regret. This feeling is tied to my anxiety, which I was diagnosed with four years ago after my son’s difficult birth. Yet, looking back, I realize I’ve probably dealt with this anxiety my entire life.
This mix of emotions often manifests as wild and extreme thoughts, typically centered around something terrible happening to my baby or my family. I find myself obsessing over the drastic shift from being pregnant to no longer carrying a child and reminiscing about the aspects of pregnancy I think I’ll miss. To clarify, these thoughts don’t involve harming my baby or regretting their existence. Instead, they revolve around unlikely scenarios where danger strikes, coupled with a longing for the days I felt my baby moving inside me or dreaming about the moment I’d hear their first cries — despite the physical and emotional toll pregnancy takes on me.
This postpartum struggle creeps in during moments of vulnerability: at nightfall, when visitors have left and my partner has gone back to work, leaving me as the primary caregiver during my maternity leave; or during baby’s nap times, when I’m momentarily free from my duties as a mother but alone with my hormone-driven thoughts.
In these quiet moments, my mind conjures up fears of accidentally dropping the baby while changing them or feeding them. It fills me with nightmares of the baby choking on spit-up while I sleep soundly beside them. I start questioning every little movement, convinced my child is suffering from the same brain injury-related seizures that affected their older sibling at birth due to a stroke in utero. It torments me with thoughts of accidents, illness, and tragedy befalling my loved ones.
This inner turmoil also reminds me that I will never again experience the miracle of carrying a child within me — a reality I cemented when I opted for a tubal ligation during my last c-section. Despite my doctor reassuring me it was the right decision, given the severe scar tissue complications I faced, it still weighs heavily on my heart. I’ll never again feel those tiny kicks or hiccups. I long for the times I would talk to my belly, knowing someone was listening. I remember vividly the joy of hearing my baby’s first cries and wish I could experience that overwhelming emotion of knowing this new life would thrive once more. It makes me ponder whether I took my discomforts for granted and if they were less severe than I perceived.
This postpartum struggle exists in a realm between joy and despair. It cohabits with fear, nostalgia, and regret, hanging around for weeks, playing with my emotions, and occupying space in my mind. Although this struggle may soon fade, leaving behind only a faint imprint, its presence is undeniably real. And the reality of this postpartum feeling can make it the most daunting challenge of all.
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Summary:
This article delves into the emotional complexities of postpartum experiences, addressing the mix of elation, fear, and nostalgia that can accompany new motherhood. It reflects on the challenges and anxieties that can arise after childbirth, emphasizing the reality of these feelings and their impact on a mother’s mental health.
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