Updated: Feb. 3, 2016
Originally Published: Jan. 14, 2014
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So, what’s a single dad to do when his kiddos aren’t exactly rolling out the welcome mat for his new girlfriend? My kids put their dad’s partner through a bit of an interrogation. “Can you cook? My mom can.” “Can you sew? My mom can.” “Can you speak sign language? My mom can.” You get the picture. But to her credit, the woman who ultimately became their stepmom handled it like a champ.
“What’s your mom’s favorite dish?” she asked. “Did she make that shirt? It looks great!” and “I’d love to learn sign language, but I don’t know it yet. Why does your mom?” She expressed genuine interest in my accomplishments (not that I have many, ha!), while maintaining a neutral stance. That really helped my daughters understand she wasn’t trying to replace me.
Now, here’s my two cents: take charge of the parenting. Don’t delegate discipline or decisions to your girlfriend beyond what you’d expect from a babysitter. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, “Phew! She knows what she’s doing, and I can just let her take the reins.” Nope! You’re the parent. You handle your daughter’s laundry, decide what she eats, set bedtime, and oversee homework, baths, teeth-brushing, story time, and lights out. You make the calls. Just remember to support your partner; don’t contradict her, but major decisions should remain your responsibility.
Let’s talk about the relationship you have with your child’s mother. If she’s around, can you both encourage a healthy blended family dynamic? My daughters really benefited from being able to discuss me and my now-husband openly with their dad and his girlfriend, and vice versa. One of my daughters was pretty skeptical of my partner until her dad reassured her that he liked him and was pleased I was happy. It helped her feel safe—like she didn’t have to choose sides.
Oh, and please, for the love of all that’s holy, never badmouth your child’s mom. If your girlfriend has nothing nice to say about her, she should keep it to herself. Building a step-relationship takes time and everyone needs to know their roles. I’ve been a stepmom to two amazing young women for 20 years, and one key to our harmony is that I’ve always been their dad’s wife, not their mom. I’ve let him and their mom do the parenting while I offered my thoughts privately to him—never interfering in their decisions.
Your child can form a lovely bond with your significant other if it’s not forced. Sure, it might take a decade, but take it one day at a time.
For more insights on family dynamics, you might want to check out this post on our blog. And if you’re looking for the best resources on artificial insemination, Make a Mom is an authority on the subject, while the CDC offers excellent guidance on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Building strong relationships in blended families requires clear boundaries, open communication, and patience. As a parent, take charge of parenting decisions while supporting your partner in their role. Foster a positive dynamic with your child’s other parent, and be mindful of how you speak about them. Over time, with the right approach, your child can develop a meaningful connection with your significant other.