Updated: August 21, 2015
Originally Published: November 29, 2013
You wake up at 7:30 AM with a throbbing headache. It’s not from a wild Friday night; it’s the incessant replay of some catchy Ariana Grande tune stuck in your mind since your daughter’s last carpool. It’s Saturday, or as you like to call it, “Dadurday.” In just three hours, you’ll be on the sidelines coaching your son’s soccer team, who are proudly on track for their eighth consecutive defeat, wrapping up a winless season marked by a staggering score of 49 to 1. But hey, at least your nine-week stint as a volunteer coach is finally coming to an end!
From the comfort of your bed, you hear the TV blaring in the living room. You find your 7-year-old glued to cartoons, clearly having indulged in a junk food binge while you slept. Wrappers are scattered everywhere—fantastic! Just what you need: a sugar-fueled meltdown right before the longest game of the season. You were hoping for a taste of victory this week, but it seems they’ll be savoring dirt and salty tears instead.
First things first: coffee. Peering out the window, dark clouds loom ominously above, mirroring your mood. You can’t help but feel frustrated that your wife convinced you to take on this coaching gig, and every Saturday, she’s off at her “boot camp” while you scramble to find cleats, shin guards, and any semblance of enthusiasm. But sacrifices are what dads do! If you make it through the next soggy six hours of your kids’ games, maybe you can sneak in a twenty-minute nap while catching up on college football.
Miraculously, you manage to get everyone dressed and out the door by 8:30 AM. Just as you pull away, your wife arrives home, grinning from ear to ear after her workout. Great for her! You should be happy, but instead, you drive off while the youngest, your little soccer star, starts wailing for Mom.
All you want is one win. Just one.
You arrive at the field on time, but your six little players are nowhere to be found—perhaps they’ve already thrown in the towel. It seems like they lost interest from the very first practice. Yet, every week, you catch glimpses of their determination and skills. Just when you think they’re more interested in the dirt than the game, they somehow know exactly how far behind they are—usually by a score of 8. But hey, who’s counting?
One by one, the kids finally trickle in. As always, you greet them with high-fives and your best motivational pep. The league has scheduled a longer game for the final week, presumably so the kids can “put it all together.” Sure, all the skills they’ve mastered so far. You decide to practice shooting, even though they haven’t scored since that fluke goal in the first game when a random kick from midfield rolled in. Not to mention the own-goals! Forget passing and fundamentals; today’s the day they’re going to experience the joy of scoring, which will surely lead to that elusive “W.”
As expected, none of the kids pay attention to the drill. You dread raising your voice in front of their parents, and your whistle seems to have lost its authority. Balls are flying everywhere except toward the goal, as the kids eagerly invent their own drills that you encouraged back in week three. By the time you hear about their elaborate plans involving stacking cones and very little soccer, it’s time to play the game. Let’s go!
The opposing team looks small and beatable. You almost feel sorry for them as your team’s pent-up scoring enthusiasm is about to be unleashed. But just two minutes in, you find yourselves down 3 to 0. Like clockwork, if the other team has one skilled player, they usually take the win. This squad has two. Meanwhile, your team boasts two kids who excel at taunting the opposition—and that’s about it.
Before you know it, it’s 8 to 0, and with kids losing interest both on and off the field, you resist the urge to throw in the towel or trip the opposing player on their way to yet another goal. The other coach, a high school girl, tries to help by limiting her star players’ time. One of the dads on your team can’t take it anymore and chastises their star for celebrating after scoring.
You sense the other team, perhaps out of kindness or sheer boredom, is willing to allow some mercy goals. You try everything, and so do your players, but that darn ball refuses to enter the net. Your son claims he’s injured and sulks on the sidelines. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, the whistle blows. Game over at 10:31 AM.
For post-game treats, a kind parent has brought donuts. The kids are ecstatic, and your son suddenly makes a miraculous recovery. As they munch on their sugary prizes, you attempt to deliver a heartwarming pep talk, expressing how proud you are of their growth and tenacity throughout the season. Who knows if they even hear you? One parent prompts the kids to cheer for you: “Hip hip…” (silence). Not a single “thank you” from them. You’re left wondering if the parents appreciate your efforts or if they blame you for the team’s performance. You clean up the mess they leave behind and return the equipment, avoiding the other coaches who are heading off to their celebratory pizza parties.
It’s finally over. You wish there were a happy ending, a moral, or even a single goal to cap off this saga, but there’s not. You tried everything: bringing in older kids for drills, soliciting help from parents, listening to unsolicited advice, bribing with treats, and one parent even offered cash for a goal. Most importantly, you worked hard to keep it fun—even when it rarely was.
In the end, the league pressured you into coaching to keep your son from sitting on the couch every Saturday. Was it worth it? You doubt it, and you promise yourself you’ll never do it again. But you’ve said that before after volunteering! At least nobody got hurt—physically, that is.
So, who’s ready for basketball?!
Conclusion
In conclusion, coaching a youth soccer team can be a challenging yet humorous experience, filled with ups and downs that test your patience and creativity. If you’re intrigued by the world of home insemination as well, check out this post for more information. And if you need an at-home insemination kit, Make a Mom offers fantastic options. For further insights into pregnancy and resources, visit Mount Sinai’s infertility resources.