The other day, my teenager came home with a math assignment that had questions reminiscent of the SAT. It made me reflect on how pointless those standardized tests are. Seriously, if a student excels in high school, they’re likely to do just as well in college. Conversely, poor high school performance usually leads to disappointing college grades. The aptitude is clear.
Instead of focusing on outdated testing methods, I propose we implement the Parental Aptitude Test (PAT) before our kids graduate high school. Forget about making them lug around a bag of flour or a fake baby that cries—those are just gimmicks. I’ve devised a far more effective test. How you tackle the following scenarios will offer a true gauge of your parenting skills and readiness for raising a child:
- The Diaper Dilemma. We’re not just talking about slapping a diaper on—my toddler can do that with her dolls. No, I mean handling a dirty diaper. At some point, every child becomes fascinated with what’s in that diaper. If you can manage to change a messy diaper while keeping both your child and yourself clean, you’ve passed this test.
- The Phone Challenge. Enjoy your peaceful phone chats while you can! Once kids come into the picture, your phone transforms into a magical device only they can hear. To pass this round, you need to maintain a conversation while one child clings to your leg and two others are in a full-on wrestling match nearby.
- The Awkward Comment. Picture this: you’re in a room with an array of interesting individuals. If your child manages to keep quiet and not comment on anyone’s appearance, congratulations—you might just be the best parent ever! If not, you’ll need to find a way to hush them without resorting to duct tape.
- The Deli Experience. You must order three different items from the deli with an 18-month-old in tow. Chances are, you’ll get Number 27 while they serve Number 19. Once you grab your number, you’re stuck in that area! Your child must stay in the cart (not one with a steering wheel). If you manage to do this without resorting to cheese, you can skip the last part of the test.
- The Great Escape to the Car. You have ten minutes to get out of the house and into the car with a two-year-old. The timer starts when they’re engrossed in Sesame Street. Your little one needs to be dressed properly and you must gather essentials like a diaper, wipes, a change of clothes, snacks, and toys. As you walk the 50 yards to the car (allowing them to walk on their own), expect distractions like puddles and blooming flowers. Once you finally buckle them in, brace yourself—the moment you think you’re ready to go, they’ll likely have a blowout!
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In summary, the Parental Aptitude Test offers a humorous yet real way to assess one’s readiness for parenting in today’s chaotic world. It highlights the everyday challenges that new parents face, and while they may seem overwhelming, they also provide a unique bonding experience.