Menu
Lifestyle
The Postpartum Beast in My Mind
by Bella Monroe
Updated: Aug. 21, 2015
Originally Published: Oct. 19, 2013
Pregnancy has never been a walk in the park for me. The morning sickness feels like a full-time job, the baby growing inside me makes my organs feel like sardines, and the third trimester aches are enough to make me question my life choices. And let’s not even get started on the c-section, which was only slightly less traumatic than a scene from a horror movie. So, when I say I can’t wait for my little one to arrive, that’s an understatement.
When I’m asked during hospital admission if I experience postpartum depression, my response is always a firm no. It’s not depression; it’s pure joy. Joy that I’ve survived the ordeal of pregnancy. Joy at the sight of this new little human I’ve carried for nine months. Yes, I feel elation, but there’s also a strange feeling lurking in the shadows.
This in-between feeling isn’t sadness; it’s more like a cocktail of fear, nostalgia, and a sprinkle of regret. I attribute it to anxiety, something I’ve dealt with since my son’s traumatic birth four years ago. After some therapy and soul-searching, I realized I’ve been wrestling with this for my entire life.
This anxiety manifests in various ways, often through vivid, extreme fantasies that drift into my mind. They usually revolve around something terrible happening to my baby or my family, or I find myself obsessing over the abrupt shift from being pregnant to not. I long for those moments of feeling my baby kick inside me or daydreaming about the first cries I’ll hear after birth. Just to clarify, these fantasies don’t involve me wishing any harm on my baby or regretting their existence. Instead, they present scenarios that could happen but feel completely out of the blue, leaving me anxious and longing for the past.
The postpartum beast in my head often appears when I feel most vulnerable: at bedtime, after visitors have left, or when my husband returns to work, leaving me alone with the baby. It’s during these quiet moments that my thoughts run wild. Suddenly, I’m plagued by visions of accidentally dropping my baby while changing him or worrying he might choke during the night while I sleep peacefully beside him. I question every little movement, convinced that he’s experiencing the same brain injury-related seizures his brother faced at birth. It haunts me with fears of illness, accidents, and tragedies that could affect my loved ones.
This beast reminds me that I’ve made a permanent decision to never experience the miracle of carrying a child again after choosing to have a tubal ligation during my last c-section. It makes me mourn the absence of those tiny kicks and hiccups that once brought me joy. I reminisce about the first time I heard my baby cry and remember the overwhelming rush of emotion that comes with knowing a new life is thriving. I start to question if the discomfort of pregnancy was all in my head.
This postpartum monster resides in a realm between joy and despair, sharing space with fear, regret, and nostalgia. It lingers for weeks, playing with my emotions and occupying my mind. Although its influence may not last forever, its presence is undeniably real. The reality of this postpartum beast can make it the most frightening monster of all.
If you’re navigating your own postpartum journey, there are resources available to help you. Check out this link for valuable insights on pregnancy and home insemination. For more information on self-insemination, the home insemination kit is a great authority on the topic. You can also explore our terms and conditions for more details.
Summary:
The experience of postpartum anxiety can be complex, filled with feelings of joy mixed with fear and nostalgia. While the joy of beginning a new chapter in motherhood is immense, the emotional struggle can introduce a beast in the mind that manifests in various ways, often during moments of vulnerability. Understanding these feelings can help navigate the challenges many new parents face.