Updated: March 17, 2017
Originally Published: September 19, 2013
My family turned out to be quite different from what I envisioned during my pregnancy journey. Eight years ago, when I began dating Mark, a divorced dad with three young kids, I was living my best single life in New York City, uncertain if I would ever find my future partner. Just a month into our relationship, I posed the crucial question: “Do you want more kids?” Expecting this could end our fairy tale, I held my breath. “I’d consider having one or two,” he replied. I heard “two” and felt a flicker of hope that Mark might be my soulmate.
Fast forward six weeks after our wedding, and I was thrilled to discover I was pregnant with Jake at the “advanced maternal age” of 36. I thought, “No problem! Plenty of time to have another before hitting 40!” We agreed to put the baby talk on hold until Jake turned one, and I busied myself with my adorable son.
But when Jake hit the one-year milestone, Mark became tense and avoided my gaze when I broached the subject of a second child. I sensed the emotional and financial strain of supporting two families weighing on him. I didn’t want to push too hard, fearing it might push us apart as my age continued to creep up. “I just want Jake to have siblings,” I reasoned. “Jake already has siblings,” he countered.
Mark’s kids, ages 12, 14, and 15, are truly amazing. They adore Jake and include him more than I ever included my own younger sister in my childhood. Jake doesn’t even know what a “half” sibling is, and when he finds out, it won’t matter. He’ll proudly tell you he has two “brudders” and a sister who write him letters from summer camp and give in to his never-ending requests for “Too Many Monkeys.”
However, we only see them on alternate weekends, and I longed for Jake to have the kind of daily companionship I had with my sister—someone to ride bikes with, share secrets at night, or roll our eyes at mom’s embarrassing moments.
As my friends’ families grew, I felt a pang of jealousy when they announced their second pregnancies. I would smile and say, “That’s wonderful news!” but internally, I was cringing. I felt like my family was missing something. Moving into a community filled with families of multiple kids only heightened those feelings. At a preschool event, a petite woman with a baby bump introduced herself and asked if Jake had siblings. Once again, I felt the need to justify having just one child. “He has three half-siblings, so it can feel pretty full at home,” I said, perhaps a bit too proudly. “How many kids do you have?” “This is my ninth,” she replied, and just like that, my smugness vanished. She had a full Little League team while I had a part-time foursquare crew.
As I approached my late 30s, fertility concerns loomed over me. But just weeks before my 40th birthday, I was astonished and elated to see two lines on a pregnancy test—a moment that leveled the playing field with other moms. I began planning how to convert the guest room into a nursery and how to make a cute pregnancy announcement on social media. But at seven weeks, during a warm evening at my parents’ house, a sudden spot signaled the end of those dreams.
This loss made it clear that a second child might not be in the cards. My body wasn’t cooperating, and my heart was beginning to accept that reality. Initially, I comforted myself by thinking about the ease of managing one child—one lunch to pack, one kid to watch at the pool, one set of teeth to brush after a long day. Sure, I wouldn’t mind reading an extra bedtime story or two—just not nine!
So, I arranged playdates, planned family vacations, and made sure Jake spent ample time with his cousins and siblings. I realized that family isn’t defined by numbers, and the only thing I truly count are my blessings. If you’re curious about family planning, check out some insightful resources about home insemination at CDC’s ART page and consider tools like the at-home intracervical insemination syringe kit, which can be useful in your journey.
Summary:
Navigating the journey of parenting as an only child can bring unique challenges and joys. Emily Johnson shares her experiences as she balances the desire for more children with the realities of family dynamics. Ultimately, she discovers that family isn’t defined by numbers but by love and connection.