When my partner and I embarked on our adoption journey, we felt like first-time parents blissfully unaware of the realities ahead—similar to a mom-to-be who’s yet to experience the joys and pains of childbirth. We laughed at the adoption classes, assuring each other, “That won’t happen to us.” Spoiler alert: it did. Now, over a decade later, with two kids through adoption and one biological child, I’ve compiled a list of lessons I wish I had known before diving into the world of adoption.
1. Adoption can be a beautiful way to create a family.
2. Regardless of how smooth your adoption journey may appear, it’s rooted in loss.
Even if you manage to adopt a newborn from the hospital with the birth mother’s enthusiastic consent, the emotional impact on everyone involved—birth parents, your child, and you—cannot be overstated.
3. Surround yourself with a supportive community that celebrates your family’s formation.
The two baby showers we had made us feel legitimate as a family, despite societal messages suggesting otherwise.
4. Be prepared for some people to treat you as if your family isn’t “real.”
Our initial social worker was pregnant and often implied that while she was forming a family, ours was merely a play act.
5. Budget two to three times more than the agency estimates for your adoption expenses.
If you don’t need the extra funds, consider it a head start on your child’s college savings!
6. Ensure that someone is there to welcome you when you bring your child home.
If adopting from overseas, have friends waiting at the airport. We arrived home from Haiti to an empty terminal, and the lack of celebration felt disheartening.
7. Most inquiries about your kids come from a place of genuine interest.
Some people may be considering adoption themselves, while others simply possess curiosity. Approach these questions with kindness and an open heart.
8. However, you will encounter individuals with less noble intentions.
If someone asks intrusive questions, feel free to redirect the conversation or respond with a pointed question of your own! Once, a woman asked me, “How much did you pay for them?” I turned the tables and asked her about her own children’s birth details. The cashier and others in line applauded my response!
9. It’s essential to respect your child’s cultural heritage and family of origin.
Even when discussing difficult subjects.
10. If your motivation for adopting stems from a desire to “save” a child from their background, reconsider.
Such an approach strips away their dignity and fosters resentment.
11. Understand that adoption is a lifelong commitment.
If your child develops in unexpected ways, know that your role as their parent remains unchanged. Adoption can present unique challenges, and the emotional scars may manifest in various behaviors.
12. At some point, your child may express a longing for their “real” parents during moments of frustration.
This can be painful to hear.
13. If your child cannot maintain a relationship with their birth family, they might romanticize that life.
Often viewing it as preferable to their reality.
14. Such fantasies and emotional reactions are normal and should be anticipated.
15. Your child’s typical developmental challenges may be intensified by their adoption experience.
Often in ways you cannot fully comprehend. Approach these situations with empathy.
16. The absence of medical information can pose challenges.
Understand that your child may grapple with feelings of confusion and embarrassment about their background.
17. The sense of loss you feel from not carrying your child is magnified for them.
Acknowledge that their pain often surpasses yours.
18. Many friends and family members may not fully grasp the emotional complexities of adoption.
19. Seek out those who understand the nuanced feelings surrounding adoption.
Finding a community that gets it is invaluable.
20. Adoption is a delicate topic in many circles.
While some may dismiss your child’s struggles as typical, it’s crucial to recognize that adoption adds another layer to these issues. As a parent, you must advocate for your child and educate those who may not understand.
Adoption can be a fulfilling and joyful path to parenthood, but it’s one filled with unique challenges and emotional depths. For more insights on navigating the journey of home insemination, check out this blog post on intracervicalinsemination.com. If you’re looking for expert advice on fertility supplements as you prepare for this journey, visit makeamom.com. For a thorough understanding of intrauterine insemination procedures, NHS offers fantastic resources.
In summary, the journey of adoption can be both beautiful and complex, filled with emotional layers that require patience, understanding, and a supportive community.