Updated: April 5, 2016
Originally Published: August 19, 2013
The radiant smiles splashed across family magazine covers often send a clear message: a happy child is a testament to excellent parenting. When your little one giggles freely, bounces through life carefree, and spreads joy wherever they go, it feels like you’re nailing this parenting gig. Cheers! After tucking your cheerful kid into bed, treat yourself to a much-deserved glass of wine—you’ve earned it!
But perhaps, like me, you’ve been blessed (or challenged) with a more complex situation. Maybe you have that easygoing child who effortlessly wins over everyone from the barista to the mailman with a beaming smile. Or, like me, you also have the other kid—the one who clings to you at the playground, terrified of the monkey bars, or the one who panics at the sight of a dog. My second daughter, whom we’ll call Lily, is the embodiment of anxiety—her world often feels like a whirlwind of tears and tantrums.
As the mom of two wonderfully unique daughters, I can confidently say that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, a child can simply be sad. It’s an unfair twist of fate that some kids, like my daughter Emma (who we’ll call her), radiate joy effortlessly while others, like Lily, seem to battle anxiety from day one.
Sure, a truly awful parent could stifle the spirit of even the happiest kid, but let’s give some grace to those of us parenting the sad ones. I’d love to take credit for Emma’s sunny disposition, but the truth is she came that way. And while I often find myself blaming my parenting for Lily’s struggles, I shouldn’t—and neither should the well-meaning strangers who cross our paths.
Lily has a sensory processing disorder, and after countless hours devouring information and attending specialist appointments, I’ve learned that understanding her condition can be more perplexing than the symptoms themselves. Our developmental pediatrician likened sensory processing disorder to adult film—it’s hard to define, but you know it when you see it.
A stroll in the park with Emma is pure delight. She waves at everyone, lights up at the sight of dogs, and exclaims “Puppy!” so joyfully that even the busiest dog owner pauses to acknowledge my darling girl. In those moments, I bask in the glow of motherhood, knowing it won’t last forever.
Conversely, a walk in the park with Lily resembles a military operation, with my anxious daughter flanked by equally concerned adults, scanning for dogs, lawnmowers, and any noise that might trigger her anxiety. During these outings, I struggle to maintain my composure—sometimes I don’t succeed.
Once, after Lily darted into the street for the second time to escape a bug, I shouted, “I swear, if you run into the street again, I’ll lose it!” In those moments, I grapple with the darker sides of motherhood, and maybe you’ve felt that too. As you pull your distressed child back onto the sidewalk or lift them wailing from the cereal aisle, you experience a flood of emotions—frustration, sadness, fear, and above all, guilt. Oh, the guilt! You take a deep breath, stifle the tears that threaten to spill, and remind yourself that you can’t let them see you cry. They’ve got enough to deal with.
So, whether you have a sad child or your typically joyous one is experiencing a tough day, once they’re tucked in for the night, pour yourself a glass of wine because you absolutely deserve it.
Next time you spot a weary mom in the parking lot, wrestling her squirming child into the car, don’t just walk by. Your silence may feel like judgment to her because her child isn’t smiling. If you’d compliment a happy child, why not extend that kindness to a sad one? Tell that mom she’s doing a great job for navigating the chaos. That small act of encouragement might just bring a smile to her face and, perhaps, even a tiny grin from her child in the rearview mirror—a fleeting moment of joy that shines brighter than any magazine cover.
Summary:
This piece highlights the contrasting experiences of parenting a happy child versus a more anxious one. It emphasizes the importance of compassion towards parents with struggling children and encourages community support. Everyone deserves a moment of joy, no matter their parenting challenges.