I recently found myself in a bit of a pickle—kind of like when you misplace your car in a sprawling parking lot. You know you left it somewhere, right? How else would you be standing amidst a shopping center, juggling kids and a cart brimming with groceries? But until you spot it, it feels like you’ve lost not just your vehicle but your sanity too. You start to wonder if you’ll ever see it again.
That’s exactly how I felt in my kitchen a couple of weeks ago: adrift in the chaotic parking lot of parenthood.
The thrill of being a mom had somehow drained the joy out of my life. I was drowning in commitments I couldn’t keep up with, and the bathrooms? Don’t even get me started; they hadn’t been cleaned in a month! Earlier that day, my partner had called me a “grump,” and as I prepared my daughter’s lunch for the next day, I felt like I was just trudging through tasks to reach another. I felt utterly lost.
With little ones—a three-and-a-half-year-old daughter and one-year-old twin boys—some days feel like a relentless grind. Between the babies’ cries, diaper changes, and the endless cycle of meal prep, I find myself yearning for time. Time to get things done that don’t revolve around catering to my children. Time to just sit down. Time with my partner. Time for me. I crave it all.
Parenting is the epitome of selflessness, yet the nature of raising young kids can make me feel incredibly selfish. After a long day of being talked to, touched, climbed on, and cried on, all I want is to find a cozy nook where no one can reach me. I don’t want to chat. I don’t want anyone to ask anything of me. And I definitely don’t want anyone to touch me.
These feelings tend to spill over onto my friends and partner, while my kids bear the brunt of my internal struggles. When my boys are fighting off sleep, all I can think is, “Shut up! Just go to sleep already!” And when I’ve had my fill of playing with them, I can’t shake the thought of all the other things I’d rather be doing instead.
Yet, these are my kids—the three wonderful beings I am so grateful to have in my life. I wanted them more than anything, but some days, I find myself longing for a break from it all.
Though I usually wear my heart on my sleeve, tears don’t come easily for me. But that night in the kitchen, they flowed. My partner was incredibly supportive, listening without trying to fix everything. We talked about finding balance between my roles as a work-at-home and stay-at-home mom. She reassured me that this phase won’t last forever, helping to rekindle my belief that I’m not truly lost.
The person I was before motherhood is still there; she’s just harder to find some days. What keeps me going are those little moments that make parenting worthwhile—a tea party with my daughter, the laughter from my boys, or our first family hike. Yes, the lead-up to those moments can be stressful and exhausting, but it’s during those golden experiences that I feel grounded.
As my kids grow, I know we’ll be able to do more together and less for them, which gives me hope. This glimmer of optimism reminds me to breathe, even amid the chaos. The prospect of reclaiming some time for myself is intoxicating, even if it feels just out of reach sometimes.
It’s all part of the journey.
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Summary:
In the whirlwind of parenting, feelings of being lost can creep in, especially when overwhelmed by the demands of young children. It’s a delicate balance between selflessness and the need for personal space. Yet, through the chaos, small joyful moments with kids remind parents of the beauty in their journey, offering hope for the days ahead.