Having three little ones has truly transformed my body—and my life! From the once-familiar friend that was my vagina, which now resembles a tired elephant, to the varicose vein that constantly gets caught on furniture, there are so many parts of me that feel utterly unrecognizable. Here are my top ten changes:
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My Elephant
You may refer to yours as a vagina, but after a brave encounter with a hand mirror, I was greeted by a massive, weary elephant staring back. Sometimes I have vivid dreams that it’s plotting my demise. On Mondays, I swear I can hear it let out a heavy sigh. -
My Legs
What used to be my legs are now a confusing landscape of veins and imperfections, resembling a road map that leads straight to a retirement home. That pesky varicose vein? It’s like a magnet for my coffee table, and don’t get me started on the allure of my compression stockings—so chic! -
My Nighttime Routine
There was a time when I could party until the wee hours. Now, 10 PM feels like I’ve been hit by a truck. The thought of hitting the sack before midnight used to give me FOMO. Now, if I’m not tucked in by 11, I twitch knowing I’ll be up multiple times throughout the night. -
My Stomach
They call it a muffin top, but let’s be real—muffins are delightful and bring joy. The doughy mass spilling over my waistband isn’t quite as charming. It does provide a lovely distraction from my varicose vein, so there’s that silver lining! -
My Ride
Ah, the minivan. In my pre-kid days, I would have spent time researching how to spell that. Now, I’m just grateful it holds all the chaos my life has become! -
My Dried Carrots
Ah yes, my breasts, affectionately known as my dry, shriveled carrots. After three years of breastfeeding, I became so skilled I could toss one behind my head for a snack on the go. I did insist it be returned before anyone exited the vehicle—gotta have some standards, right? -
My Asymmetrical Eye
Is it just me, or does one eye seem to have taken on a life of its own after childbirth? I’ve searched countless times on WebMD, but alas, nothing to explain my new look. It’s rather wild; I might even get a gig as the “crazy-eyed lady” at the circus! -
My Wardrobe
Once upon a time, I donned high heels and snazzy outfits for work. Now? I’ve traded those for sweatpants and the occasional torn jeans. Honestly, if a funeral came up out of nowhere, I’d be in big trouble—nothing appropriate in sight! -
My Perineum
I had no clue what a perineum was until three vaginal births later. Turns out, I’ve got a short one that led to some serious tearing. Let’s just say, I’ve discovered that a “giant vasshole” can lead to some rather unfortunate situations—sharting is real. -
My Bathroom Habits
I used to be a punctual pooper, always on schedule at 10 AM after my coffee. Now, post-kids, that routine seems like a distant memory. And my giant vasshole? It only wants to cooperate when I’m out and about with all three kids in tow—perfect timing!
If you’re curious about the challenges of pregnancy and beyond, check out some insightful resources like this link or look into the Home Insemination Kit for more information. And for more on navigating life after baby, you can check out our other posts here.
In summary, motherhood changes us in ways we never could imagine. From body parts to daily routines, the journey is filled with surprises and a whole lot of humor.