I constantly find myself wrestling with guilt. Guilt about working, guilt about not working, and even guilt for feeling uncertain. The struggle of being a working mom? It’s intense.
I once imagined that being a stay-at-home/work-at-home mom would grant me the best of both worlds. Instead, I often feel like I’m barely managing to juggle either role. When I do have a moment to focus on work, I can’t shake the feeling that my son is missing out on precious time with me.
Before becoming a parent, I had this idealized vision of my life. I envisioned myself typing away on a screenplay or editing films, while my children engaged in quiet play at my feet with beautifully crafted wooden toys that sparked their creativity.
But the reality? It usually looks like this: if I need to tackle a project that demands my full attention while my son is awake, I often resort to putting on an episode of a beloved children’s show or letting him play an “educational” game online.
During conference calls, I can only imagine the shock of my colleagues if they knew I was still in my pajamas, desperately cleaning up mac and cheese spills while keeping an eye on my son. The only reason he’s quiet is that I promised him a sweet treat if he could stay silent for just thirty minutes.
At the neighborhood playground, I mostly see nannies. I’ve made friends with a few of them, and when we share our daily routines, it hits me: their job is entirely focused on providing care and attention. They fill their days with adventures, classes, and playdates. Meanwhile, my son is lucky if we manage to visit the park once a day. And even then, I often find myself sneaking in a work email or two.
Now, don’t get me wrong; my son doesn’t spend the day glued to the TV. I limit his screen time to an hour or less, usually squeezing my work into his nap times and after he’s gone to bed. I strive to take him to the library, the museum, and the park. However, on any given day, he often tags along to the bank, the post office, or a coffee meeting. He’s not getting my undivided attention, and I feel that tug of guilt.
I can’t help but feel like I’m being judged by those around me, even if it’s unintentional. My husband, for instance, will ask, “Oh, did you finish editing today? Did he take an extra-long nap?” And then there’s my mother-in-law. We were discussing potential moves and commutes, and she innocently asked, “Wait, don’t you work full time now?” No, I don’t! I work in snippets of time—maybe the length of a Little Einsteins episode, a midday nap, and two hours after my son’s bedtime. I felt defensive, as if she thought I was just glued to my computer all day.
Sure, I could choose to become a full-time stay-at-home mom. My husband is the primary breadwinner, after all. My son would probably love having me entirely focused on him, and it would certainly relieve me of some guilt.
But I know that would mean losing a part of myself. I’ve been involved in acting and filmmaking since I started my own theater group in high school. It fuels my passion, keeps me motivated, and sometimes drives me a little crazy. I feel a pang of resentment, too. My husband doesn’t face this dilemma. He works long hours, and while he misses our son, society doesn’t make him feel guilty for it. He’s simply providing for our family.
If push came to shove, I’d undoubtedly choose motherhood over my career. My son is my top priority, without a doubt.
But does that mean he should be my only priority?
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In summary, the challenges of balancing work and motherhood can lead to feelings of guilt, confusion, and self-doubt. While it’s essential to prioritize our children, it’s equally important to nurture our own passions and identity as women.