A dear friend recently faced the loss of her father. While it was anticipated, the impact is still profound. Losing someone close is challenging at any age. I said farewell to my dad when I was 23, but losing my grandmother at 91 was equally heart-wrenching. Grief can feel like a heavy blanket, wrapping around us, but it’s a necessary part of the farewell process.
As adults, we often wrestle with the complexities of loss. For kids, navigating grief can seem almost insurmountable. Young children, in particular, struggle to grasp the permanence of death and may find themselves stuck in a bargaining phase, hoping their good behavior or good grades might bring their loved one back. Their natural inclination towards egocentrism often leads them to wonder if they or another family member might meet the same fate. After losing a grandparent, for example, it’s common for kids to worry about their parents’ health.
While adults may experience grief in waves, children tend to oscillate between a range of emotions quickly—sadness, anger, frustration, happiness, and even moments of excitement. Kids who endure a significant loss often play dead in their games and may ask repetitive questions. You might see them exhibit regression, clinginess, excessive crying, or even sleep disturbances. Most of these changes are temporary, but if they interfere with your child’s daily functioning, reach out to your pediatrician without delay. Play therapy can be a wonderful tool for helping young ones process grief at any stage.
Here are some tips for supporting children through grief:
- Communicate the Loss: Children may not grasp lengthy explanations, but they do need clear facts. They can sense when adults are being evasive. Keep it honest yet concise. For young children, saying something like, “Grandpa’s heart stopped working, which meant he could no longer live,” can be helpful. Older kids may require more detailed information, like the name of an illness. Stay focused on this specific incident and reassure them that you are okay.
- Facilitate Goodbyes: Whether your child should attend a funeral is subjective, but generally, children under 7 may find it challenging. However, every child deserves a chance to say goodbye. If you know a loved one is nearing the end, allow your child a chance to say farewell. If the situation seems too intense, consider letting your child create a card or drawing for the loved one instead. Remember, kids often process these events later on, and feelings may surface during the night.
- Normalize Their Emotions: Kids often struggle with intense feelings and may laugh when anxious. Help them articulate their emotions, and model this behavior yourself. It’s perfectly normal to feel sad, angry, or confused. Encourage creative outlets like coloring or drawing to express their feelings. A great resource for understanding grief is “When Someone Very Special Dies” by Marge Heegard.
- Create a Memory Book: The concept of death is often hard for children to understand. They may continue to ask about the loved one for months. Encourage your child to compile a memory book filled with pictures and stories about their time together. This book is theirs to cherish, so resist the urge to suggest what to include.
- Offer Remembrance Activities: While older children may find closure through funeral services, younger kids might not understand the significance. Allow them to express their feelings through drawings or cards to place near the coffin or urn. Discuss this idea with family beforehand to ensure everyone is on the same page.
- Reassure Them: Children often focus on how events affect them personally. Reassure them about the steps your family takes for good health, like regular check-ups and exercise. Frequent reminders that both you and they are okay will help ease their worries.
- Avoid Certain Phrases: It can be tricky to find the right words when discussing death with children. Stick to the facts, like “his body stopped working,” and steer clear of phrases like “it was his time to be with God.” Young children can misinterpret such concepts, so it’s best to keep things straightforward: “He died, so he can’t walk or talk anymore, but we’ll always remember him.”
- Prioritize Your Well-being: This might just be the most crucial tip. Grieving yourself can make it hard to care for your children. Don’t hesitate to reach out for support—rest, eat well, and talk to someone who can listen. Remember, modeling healthy coping strategies is the best way to teach your kids how to manage loss.
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In summary, guiding children through grief is a delicate process that requires honesty, reassurance, and creative outlets for expression. By being present and supportive, you can help them navigate this challenging time in their lives.