When I made the decision to leave my job and embrace the role of a stay-at-home mom, it felt like stepping into an exciting new chapter of life. However, looking back, I realize that it was one of the most significant choices I made—one I made on my own, without a financial adviser, a real estate agent, or anyone to help weigh the long-term implications. It was just me, my partner, and our whirlwind of family life. At no point did I fully consider how this decision would affect my earning potential or career opportunities down the line. I was in the moment, overwhelmed by the chaos of two little ones and a third on the way, and I leapt without looking.
One moment I was navigating the fast-paced environment of a bustling corporate office, and the next I was knee-deep in toys and playdates. While I wanted to be present for my kids, I never truly contemplated the job market I’d be facing years later—making this one of my most costly oversights.
I opted to be home with my kids because I cherished every moment with them. I was consumed by the belief that our time together was fleeting. My decision wasn’t rooted in the idea that the kids needed me more than they needed a capable caregiver. Now, as my children are growing up and moving on, I find myself grappling with mixed feelings about my choice.
- Feeling Like a Letdown: I can’t help but feel that I’ve disappointed a generation of women who fought hard for the right to choose their paths. I still remember curling up with The Feminine Mystique at my grandparents’ house in the ‘70s, while my mother and grandmother cautioned me against giving up my career for motherhood. Yet, despite those warnings, I ended up spending nearly 20 years at home with my boys.
- Driver’s License vs. Degrees: I spent years honing my education, yet I found myself using my driver’s license far more than my college degree. It was disheartening to realize that I wasn’t leveraging my education as I had hoped.
- Mom, What’s Your Job?: My kids witnessed me cooking, cleaning, driving them everywhere, and even volunteering, but to them, it didn’t appear to be a “real job.” They associate work with formal employment, leaving me feeling undervalued.
- A Narrowed Social Circle: While I forged lasting friendships with wonderful women during my time at home, my social circle shrank significantly. I missed the diversity of interactions I had at work, where I connected with people from all walks of life.
- Drowning in Volunteer Work: I found myself sucked into a rotating door of volunteer activities—some deeply fulfilling, others not so much. While they kept me busy, I often questioned whether my contributions had a lasting impact.
- Increased Worry: Spending so much time with my children led to hyper-focusing on their lives, amplifying my worries. If I had worked outside the home, my concerns might have been more balanced and less all-consuming.
- Traditional Roles: Our household dynamics shifted towards more traditional gender roles over the years. My husband and I once shared everything equally, but as I took on the stay-at-home mantle, it felt like I slid into a 1950s model of marriage.
- Becoming Outdated: Back in the day, I thrived in a cutting-edge banking job, but years away from that world made me feel behind the curve. I often find myself asking my kids for tech support, enduring their eye rolls reminiscent of my younger days.
- Diminished Ambitions: The biggest realization for me has been how much I lowered my own expectations of what I could achieve. While raising my children filled my days, I didn’t realize how much I was letting go of my personal ambitions and aspirations.
If I could rewind the clock, I would have sought ways to stay connected to the workforce, even if just a little. I now understand that both parenting and a career can ebb and flow, and there’s no reason why they can’t coexist. On some level, I wish I’d kept a toe dipped in the professional world to ease my eventual return.
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In summary, while I wouldn’t trade the time I spent with my children for anything, I recognize the mixed emotions that come with being a stay-at-home mom. Balancing the joys of parenting with personal aspirations is an ongoing journey.