Let’s get real: I’m not a fan of the baby phase. You know, that period from 0 to 12 months? Before I had my own little one, I wasn’t just indifferent—I actively disliked babies. (Okay, I still do a bit.) Hand me a baby to hold, and I’d look at it like it was a live grenade. My palms would sweat, and my stomach would churn.
When my first child arrived, I managed to keep it together for about two weeks. The rush of new mommy hormones—adrenaline, Oxytocin, and a healthy dose of fear—made everything feel manageable. But then the family visits dwindled, and my husband went back to work. Suddenly, it was just me and this tiny human.
My hormones took a nosedive. The endless cycle of diaper changes became monotonous, and I was a milk machine (that didn’t even produce enough milk). The smell of formula reminded me of bad dog food, and the laundry pile of dirty onesies grew to monumental heights. The baby cried, and half the time, I had no clue why. My thoughts raced: “I’m bored. I’m trapped. I’m completely wiped out. When is naptime? When is bedtime?”
I’ve always envied those moms who claim they fell head over heels for their babies the moment they laid eyes on them. It’s like this idealized mother-baby bond is plastered everywhere—billboards, TV ads, parenting books. Meanwhile, here I am, feeling like an outcast for not being utterly enchanted by my own child. Don’t get me wrong; I love my daughter and wouldn’t trade her for anything. But let’s face it—I just don’t like babies, and here’s why:
- Breastfeeding Struggles: Leaky, chaffed, and engorged—need I say more?
- Projectile Poop: Seriously, it can fly across a room. Nobody warned me about that!
- Sleep? What’s That?: Babies have their own schedules. My daughter would take glorious 5-hour naps during the day and then keep me up at night.
- Fragility: Every time I held her, I feared I’d break her with a single wrong move.
- Communication Breakdown: The guessing game of figuring out what the cries mean? Exhausting. Diaper change? Bottle? Who knows!
- Short-lived Cuteness: They might be adorable for a split second, but then it’s back to diaper duty or feeding time.
- Alien Babies: Let’s be honest—most of them look like little aliens. Mine definitely did.
- Public Meltdowns: Babies crying in restaurants? Nope, not worth it. I’d rather have a bowl of Cheerios at home. They cry on planes, too—trust me, it’s not fun for anyone, especially the parents.
- Car Seat Confusion: Installing a baby car seat should come with a manual. They scream the moment you strap them in, which is just delightful.
- Unwanted Attention: Everyone wants to touch the baby, which means I have to deal with random strangers cooing and gushing over my kid. “Ooooh, aren’t you a cutie pie?” Ugh.
So, what’s to like about babies?
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In summary, if you’re like me and find babies less than enchanting, know that it’s okay! Parenting is a wild ride, and every experience is valid.