By: Amanda Thompson
At 39, I stepped into the world of motherhood a bit later than most. During my first ultrasound, my doctor casually referred to me as an “advanced maternal age primigravida.” Wait, what? “Advanced maternal age”? I half-expected him to start recommending bingo nights for my uterus! After a quick explanation, I learned that this term simply means a first-time mom over the age of 35. Great—so my reproductive system is practically eligible for AARP!
Since that moment, I’ve developed a strong aversion to what I call “mom jargon.” Here’s a quick rundown of motherhood phrases that really need to be retired:
- Baby Bump. What’s wrong with just saying “belly”? It seems someone decided that a simple word wasn’t dramatic enough for pregnancy. “Oh look at your adorable baby bump!” Please. Just. No.
- Pump and Dump. Sure, I’ve used this term after a few too many cocktails, but every time I hear it, I envision a mom awkwardly squatting over a toilet with a breast pump. Let’s find a better phrase, like “protecting the baby’s liver” or “guilt-free drinking session.”
- Push Present. When did this become a thing? A gift for giving birth? I get that labor is hard work, but come on. It’s not like moms are doing dads a favor. Also, the imagery that comes to mind when I hear “push present” is absurd—like a wrapped gift popping out instead of an actual baby.
- DD, DS, and DH. Seriously? Dear Daughter, Dear Son, and Dear Husband? How about we just stick to “son,” “daughter,” and “husband”? Or even better, “family”? This isn’t a government form, and I definitely don’t need to refer to my family as “dear” all the time.
- Mucus Plug. This one is way too graphic. I advocate for a euphemism here! How about “baby stopper” or “stork cork”? I’m open to ideas.
- Effaced. While not slang, this term is just confusing. Effacement means the cervix is thinning before delivery. Why not just say “thinning”? When you’re nine months pregnant, any news of thinning is good news, even if it involves a delicate bit of skin.
- Fur Baby. I love my pet as much as anyone, but a “fur baby”? No. My dog doesn’t need diaper changes or midnight feedings. And unlike my child, my dog is perfectly fine with just sleeping all day. Unless you’re raising an Ewok, let’s put “fur baby” to bed.
So there you have it! My personal list of motherhood terms that could use a little rethinking. If you’ve used any of the above, I might just look at you sideways.
(But don’t worry, I just grabbed a donut for breakfast, so I’m not judging too harshly!)
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Summary:
This article humorously critiques common motherhood terms that can be cringe-worthy, offering a fresh perspective on phrases like “baby bump” and “push present.” The author shares her personal experiences and suggests alternatives, aiming to lighten the often heavy discourse surrounding pregnancy and parenting.